Artemis Fowl: The Ruby Conspiracy
by Jade Sabre
Summary: NEW TITLE, SAME STORY. CH8 IS FINALLY HERE! After an insanely long amount of time, in which I probably lost all supporters, I have updated! What happens when Artemis regains his memory but loses control to his hormones? And what about Opal and the pri
1. Memory, not a sound from the pavement

**A/N:**  Yay!  I'm back at ff.net!  I used to be here under Jade Shadow, but then my email screwed over _and_ they revamped the site, so I think I disappeared.  Anyway, this is my first story under the new name.  *grins*  can't wait for those reviews…boy have I missed those things…*hint hint*  Also, I own _Artemis Fowl_ and _Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code_, but I don't have _Arctic Incident_ available (at the moment), so please forgive me for any errors on that part.  Once I get the book I'll go through and correct everything.

Disclaimer:  Well, Arty's near my age, so if I owned him we'd be engaged.  As I don't, we're not.  *sniff*

**Excerpt from Artemis Fowl's diary, disk 2 (encrypted)**

_            I celebrated my fifteenth birthday last month.  Much to my horror, the rest of me has decided to catch up to my mind.  This has started to appear most prominently, especially in situations where I do not wish for it the most._

_            Today Father asked me to handle the Tropsberry affair, as I will be going back to school soon and he wanted me to have a little more experience.  I wore my Armani suit, which has recently become too short in the arms and the legs.  Mother will not allow me to order a new one until my "growth spurt" is over, so I have been reduced to using my extra suit to let out the pants and jacket in my formal suit._

_            I met Tropsberry and his associates and we immediately set down to business.  Just as we were going to seal the deal, my voice cracked and jumped about two and one half octaves higher than I was aware I could speak.  Tropsberry managed to keep a straight face, although I could see one of his associates snickering behind his hand.  When the meeting was over, I shook hands with Tropsberry, who had the audacity to say, "Tell your father I said hello, young Fowl, and don't worry, you'll calm down soon enough."_

_            I wish I could say I did not blush, but I doubt that is the case.  I waited for them to leave and turned to Butler, who looked very much as though he would like to laugh.  I settled on a glare and left._

_            Mother is not helping matters.  She thinks it is "cute" that her "little Arty" is growing up.  Father keeps telling me that soon I will be a man, and this is "just a stage" that I'll pass through on my way to manhood.  If this is "just a stage," it has gone on far too long.  Yesterday I was speaking to Juliet, who is home for a break before going back to wrestling, when I caught myself thinking how attractive her eyes were.  This simply cannot continue.  I cannot allow my hormones to control my actions.  From now on I shall have to keep a close watch on myself, until this unpleasant "stage" is past. _

_            Butler hasn't been very helpful, either.  He keeps his silence, knowing that I most likely would fire him if he tried to say anything._

_            Onto business.  My attempt to shut down FeatherSoft Soap has failed (again).  I cannot fathom how the Russian government is willing to allow the whalers to continue their work.  Of course, I do know that Russians in general are quite barbaric, judging from my father's wounds upon his return._

_            His return…I have a nagging feeling I'm forgetting someone important.  Someone or something about his escape.  His escape that I had a hand in, and yet had nothing to do with at all.  Again I have that phantom feeling that has plagued me for many weeks now.  I'm forgetting something, and it's locked in my mind, just beyond reach._

_            But no matter.  Mother is calling me to pack for school.___

**Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen**

            Artemis Fowl the Second sat in his dormitory room, staring at his laptop screen and trying to decide how to deal with the newest catastrophe in his life.

            The day had started regularly, with breakfast followed by classes, but at lunch he had been introduced to a most unpleasant surprise.  The councilor had announced to the school of approximately two hundred young men that the neighboring school, Saint Cecilia's School for Young Women, had graciously agreed to attend a Christmas social hosted by Saint Bartleby's.

            Girls.  Artemis had never thought the day would come would he would think in terms other than male and female, woman and man.  But now…girls.  In all honesty, he was terrified.  The only true interaction he had ever had with girls was his mother and Juliet, who was not a typical girl at all.  And there was that other girl, the one with hazel eyes and red hair and a pretty, elusive face that appeared in his dreams.  With this girl he associated trust and respect, as well as attractiveness, but he could not recall where he had met her.

            In the end, it did not change the fact that Artemis had no idea how to deal with a school dance.  Obviously, they wouldn't know any of the girls…well, perhaps his schoolmates might know some of the girls, but….  Artemis felt an emotion, but for a moment he could not identify it.  Then he remembered: panic.  Panic.  Artemis rarely panicked.  But a school dance with _girls_ was coming up in less than a month and he had no idea what he was going to do.

            Quickly he wrote two emails, one to his mother asking what he should wear, and one to his father asking how he should act and for any advice.  Then he closed his laptop and pulled out his cell phone.

            "Hello, sir?" said Butler's familiar deep voice.

            "Butler," Artemis said, thinly disguising his relief.  "Where are you?"

            "My hotel.  Is there a problem?" Butler asked, his voice conveying his alertness.

            Artemis sighed.  "Sort of."

            A pause.  Then, "Oh.  What sort of problem?"

            Feeling slightly ridiculous, the teenager said, "Well—it's just that—er—there's been an announcement at school."

            "Have all the student's bodyguards been banned from city limits?"

            "No," he said, feeling more embarrassed as the moments passed.  "Actually, it's—they announced today that there's going to be a dance in two weeks."

            Not only did he feel quite foolish, his extensive vocabulary seemed to have abandoned him.  The silence from the other end of the phone line only served to intensify his feelings.

            "Butler?  Are you still there?"

            "Yes," said Butler in a voice that Artemis recognized.  It was a rare tone; it was the tone Butler had after he laughed.

            Cheeks flaming, Artemis said, "Do you have any advice?"

            "Well—will you know any of the girls?"

            "No."

            "Then—I suggest you learn to communicate.  Nicely.  Erm—don't attempt to impress your overly large vocabulary on any girls you might like.  The main issue is to be polite.  Nice and polite.  Girls seem to like that."

            "I don't understand."

            He could almost see Butler restraining an eye roll.  "Perhaps you should call Juliet," the man suggested.  "She would knock some sense into you."

            "Literally?"

            Another pause.  "It was a joke, sir."

            "Ah.  Of course."

            Butler was probably laughing again, because he said, "Er—if that will be all for now, sir?"

            "Yes, Butler.  Good-bye."

            He pressed the End button and sighed.  It was going to be a long two weeks.

**LEP headquarters, the Lower Elements**

            Captain Holly Short rubbed her forehead as she sat down in her cubicle, considering all the work she had ahead of her today.  Mostly reports to write, but those were headaches in themselves.  Trying to explain to the Council why she was doing her job correctly was about like trying to teach a troll to speak.  Actually, trolls had been taught basic words before.  The Council was much more stubborn.

            Sighing, she called up her mail service and checked for new messages.  There was one from Chix Verbil, which she deleted without looking at, and a joke about Root from Foaly and sent to everyone else.  It brought a smile to her face that was quickly wiped away by Root entering.

            "Short," he said.  "You're needed at the prison."

            "What?"

            "You are needed at the prison—"

            "I realize that, Commander.  What's wrong?"

            "They won't tell me," Root snapped.  "It's a call for you specifically."

            Holly stood.  "All right," she said uncertainly.  "I'll be on my way, then."

            The prison was on the outskirts of Haven, away from the busy roads.  The trip went uneventfully, except for a major wreck between a gnome and a goblin that had blocked up one side of the freeway due to the flames.

            "ID please?" said the dwarf guarding the gate.  Holly handed him her ID and he scanned it, grunting.  "You're good.  They want you in the high-profile block.  Down the hall, to the left," he added, pointing.

            Holly nodded and followed his directions, which led her to a lounge with a window in one wall.  There lounged a bored-looking pixie.  The fairy girl smacked her bubble gum and examined her hands without noticing Holly enter.  The LEP captain sighed and cleared her throat.

            The pixie looked up.  "Oh, hello.  Are you here to see someone?"

            "I was told to come to the prison," Holly explained patiently.  "Apparently someone needed me?"

            "Oh," said someone else.  It was a male elf wearing a guard's uniform and twirling a stun baton.  "You're Short, right?"

            "Yes."

            He jerked his head towards the door he had come through.  "Follow me," he said.  "Koboi wants you."

            Koboi? Holly wondered, following the guard.  Not Opal Koboi?  What would she possibly want with Holly?

            The guard stopped.  "Wait here."  He disappeared through a door and then reappeared with the prisoner.

            Opal Koboi looked a mess.  Prison hadn't been good to her.  ***Insert description of Opal***

            "All right, prisoner," Holly said briskly, "what do you want?"

            Opal surveyed her, a wide and partially unstable grin splitting her face.  "I wanted to see what you looked like," the pixie said, "so I could remember.  Rememememember."  She giggled.  "M, m, m!"

            Holly stared.  "Um…is there anything else?"

            This seemed to shake her from her babbling.  "No," the technological genius said.  "That's all.  I just have to remememememember you for my revenge."

            "Um…right."  Holly looked at the guard.  "I think we're done here."

            The guard was eyeing Opal as he lightly jabbed her with his buzz baton.  "Come on, now, Ms. Koboi," he said.  "Back to the cell."

            "Not for long!" Opal giggled.  "Not for long, not for long, long for not, not long at all, not long, not long, not long…"

            Her wild singing echoed throughout the hallways as Holly made her way back to the entrance.  That was one of the weirder encounters of my life, she decided.  Opal's definitely lost something since she went to prison.

**Saint Bartleby's**

            "All right, there, Fowl?" asked one of Artemis's hallway mates, Bobby O'Bobble, poking his head into Artemis's room as the genius straightened his tie for the thousandth time.  "We're all about to go down, are you coming?"

            Artemis frowned into the mirror, wondering if his hair was straight enough, if his suit looked right, if the tie actually brought out his eyes like Juliet had said it would.  "Are you all right?" Bobby asked again.  "Don't tell me this is your first dance."

            "Maybe it is," Artemis said, finally turning around.  "In any case, it doesn't matter.  I am ready to present myself, for better or for worse."

            Bobby shook his head as Artemis joined him and two other boys in the hallway.  "You're weird, Fowl," he said informatively.

            "Your next point?" Artemis said calmly.

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

            Juliet was in the kitchen, getting out the caviar for Mr. and Mrs. Fowl, when she heard the door crack open.  She froze and set the caviar back down on the shelf, then moved soundlessly to the door.  Just as she went to yell for the Fowls, the muzzle of a gun pressed itself to her neck.

            She looked down at the gun.  Sig Sauer, impressive.  What was more impressive was the fact that the gun was seemingly floating in midair.  She reached for it.

            "Stop it, Mud Girl," a disembodied voice said.  Juliet froze again.  First a floating weapon, now an incorporeal voice speaking to her?  She shook her head.  Domovoi was right.  All those wrestling matches were getting to her head.

            "You'll realize," the voice continued, "this isn't personal.  You didn't do anything to me.  But, unfortunately, we need you in order to get your brother.  And besides, you're a Butler, which automatically makes you dangerous.  Now come quietly."

            "And if I don't?" she asked the voice.

            "Then I'll just do this," said the voice, and she felt a prick on the back of her neck as a sterilized needle pumped tranquilizer directly into her skin.

            Dom would have seen that coming, she thought to herself.  Oh dear.

**Haven, the Lower Elements**

            Holly awoke to the sound of someone squawking over the alarm in her room.  "SHORT!" Root roared through her alarm's speakers.  "SHORT!  Get to the office NOW!"

            "I'm up, I'm up," she groaned, sitting up on her futon.  "How on earth did you get into my alarm?"

            "Yours truly," put in a centaur's voice.  "And do hurry, Holly.  This is an emergency the likes of which you've never seen."

            "I doubt that," Holly mumbled as she pulled on her suit.  "I've save the People what, twice now?"

            "Cut the chatter," Root ordered.  The speaker went dead, then the usual radio show started broadcasting.

            Holly was at headquarters in under twenty minutes, a monumental feat.  "I never knew traffic was so dead at seven o'clock," she yawned, entering into the Operations Booth where both Foaly and Root waited for her.  "What's wrong?"

            "Yeah, it's amazing what happens when you get up before everyone else," Foaly managed in before Root got started.

            "It's Koboi," Root said.  "She's escaped from prison."

            That got Holly's attention.  "She _what_?"

            "We're not sure how, yet," Foaly said.  "My best guess is that she bribed a guard or three with her devilish good looks."

            "Um, right," said Holly.

            "Enough!" Root shouted.  "What matters right now is _not_ how she escaped, it's how to detain her before she gets too far!"

            "Where is she?" Holly asked.

            Foaly pointed to a blip on one of his screens.  A screen showing a map of Ireland.

            "Right there," he said.  "She must have hijacked a shuttle.  Right now she's at some place called Saint Bartleby's.  Some sort of school."

            "Right," Root said.  "Holly, you go get her."

            "Why me?" Holly asked, stifling another yawn.

            "Because you've dealt with Koboi before and you realize that no matter how insane she may seem, she's quite dangerous.  I don't trust any of the other officers on this one."

            "I guess I'm flattered," Holly mumbled.  "Foaly, what do you have for me?"

            "The usual.  Iris cam," he handed it to her, "sponge plugs, earpiece, microphone."  Then Foaly grinned, fixing his tinfoil hat.  "Oh, and something else.  New magic."

            "New magic?" Root barked.  "What do you mean, new magic?"

            Foaly pulled out a bottle.  "This," he said, "has yet to be approved by any sort of Council, has never been tested, and basically is a bit of an enigma.  But it's working for Koboi, so it should work for you."

            Holly eyed the bottle.  "What is it?" she asked.

            "Instant growth," Foaly answered.  "It'll stretch you until you look human.  I happen to know Koboi's got some because my other bottle is gone, and I know it's working because she's still alive.  If she's going Mud Girl, you have to, too."

            Holly turned a pleading face on Root.  "Commander—" 

            Root looked a bit green himself.  "Sorry, Captain.  We're running short on options."

            "D'arvit," Holly said to no one in particular, taking the bottle from Foaly.  He also handed her an extra suit.

            "Go on in there," he said, pointing.  "And don't come out until you're dressed and your insides have stopped moving.  I don't want you puking all over my computers."

            "Gee, thanks for the concern," Holly said sarcastically, stepping into the spare equipment room.  She took off her suit and put on the overly large suit as best she could.  Then, holding her nose, she downed the contents of her bottle.

            The effects were immediate.  Holly felt her skin stretch as her legs and arms lengthened.  Her bones groaned.  Strangely enough, there was no pain.  Instead there was just the distinct feeling of _stretching_, and the weirdness of it made her stomach flip.

            Finally she had grown enough to fit comfortably into her suit.  Her arms seemed to be relatively stable in size, as did her legs.  She did notice some differences, mainly in her cropped hair sprouting to cover the tips of her ears.

            Emerging from the closet, she banged her head on the low ceiling.  Root and Foaly stared at her.

            "Whoa," Foaly said finally, in an awed voice.  "It worked."

            Holly glared at him.  "Yes, I noticed."  Despite the sharpness of her voice, she found a secret pleasure in looking _down_ at the two fairies for a change.

            "You make a very good Mud Girl," Root grudgingly admitted.  "Take that as a compliment to your disguising techniques, not as an insults to your facial features."

            "Funny," Holly said.  "How soon can I be aboveground?"

            "Two minutes," said Foaly.  "And while you were in there…growing…Koboi got into the school.  I checked; there's some sort of dance tonight.  Go buy yourself a dress before you try and get in."

            "Great, Foaly," said Holly.  "Just great.  When I get back, if I'm still tall, I'm taking out my anger on your plasma screens."

            Foaly chuckled as he and Root watched a 5'4" Holly squeeze her way out of the Ops booth.  "How long will that last?" Root asked.

            Foaly shrugged, still snickering.  "No idea.  Never been tested before, remember?"

            "Foaly, remind me to have your budget cut."

            "That is," the centaur added hastily, "supposedly it should only last about a day or two.  Probably not even that long."

            Root nodded.  "As long as she comes back with Koboi in time, we should be okay."

            They were silent, then he added, "Saint Bartleby's?"  Foaly nodded.  "You know, for some reason that sounds familiar."

**Random Hotel, Dublin**

            Butler grinned to himself as he ate his dinner.  Master Artemis was at his first school dance.  How cute.  The poor boy was probably so nervous he could barely talk.  The manservant laughed quietly.  Technically he should be supporting Artemis, but the thought of the genius reduced to stammering was quite amusing.  He had it coming.

            He munched thoughtfully on his sandwich, looking around at the other patrons, doing an automatic search for potential threats.  Even now, at an age somewhere fifteen years later than he should be at, he still couldn't stop being the bodyguard and relax a bit.  But then, if he had been relaxing, he wouldn't be in Dublin at all, but out somewhere else, looking for a nice girl to settle down with.  Instead he was still trying to protect Artemis Fowl the Second through any means possible.

            Butler finished his dinner and headed back up to his luxurious hotel room.  Thanks to Artemis's Swiss account, he didn't have to worry about the expense of the stay.  Still, it was boring, not having anyone to protect or any information to look up.  He toyed with several ideas of what to do, including roaming the streets and terrorizing the pickpockets, but he decided to call his sister.  Juliet was prone to worry about him, especially since he had slowed down.  He didn't want her calling at two in the morning, either.

            The phone rang twice before she picked up.  "Hello?"

            Butler frowned.  It might have been nothing—he might have just interrupted her while she was talking to her boyfriend—but her voice sounded odd.  "Juliet?"

            "Oh, Dom.  It's you."  Definitely a tone of relief there.  Something was wrong.

            "Juliet?  Are you all right?" he asked.

            "Fine.  It's just that Leo the Logger just got beaten again."

            Leo the Logger.  In any other circumstance, Butler would have repressed a sigh.  Trust Juliet to come up with a code using wrestling.  However, since Leo the Logger was code for trouble, his attention was directed towards other matters.

            "Really?  That's too bad.  How's Marvin the Metaleater?"  Translation: is it serious?

            "Marvin's doing well."  It's bad.  "Very well."  Really bad.

            "What channel is it on?  I want to watch."  Where are you?

            "Channel 109."  Near the manor.  "But don't bother turning it on, it's probably over."  We're moving away from there.

            "All right.  I'll turn it on.  Thanks."  I'll get there ASAP.  "Bye.  Take care."

            "Bye, Dom."

            Butler hung up and took a deep breath.  His left lung, which had incredibly restricted breathing, stopped before his diaphragm could fully expand.  It hurt.

            He dialed another number, and the phone picked up instantly.  "Butler?"

            "Artemis," he answered.  "I just called Juliet.  I think something may be wrong.  I'm coming to the school to get you."

            "Is it that bad?"

            Butler thought.  "It just may be.  Leo the Logger is involved."

            Artemis sighed.  "You really need to come up with a better code than that."  He paused, and Butler could practically see his eyes lose focus as he thought.  "How long will it take you to get to the school?"

            "Approximately twenty minutes."

            "Very well."  He paused again.  "We're in the Student Union building.  I will be waiting for you."

            "I'll be there," Butler promised.  "Er—if you don't mind me asking, how's the dance?"

            "I'm sure it is quite enjoyable," Artemis said, his voice suddenly clipped, "for someone who enjoys this sort of frolicking around."

            "I understand."

            "Twenty minutes?"

            "Yes, sir."

            "Good.  I'll see you then."

            "Goodbye," Butler said, hanging up.  He couldn't resist a smile.  Artemis was uncomfortable, all right, and was uncomfortable with the feeling.  It would do the boy good to come out of his shell, all right.  Hopefully this was a step in that direction. 

            "Good one," said a voice.  "I trust all the wrestling terms were actually directing you to your sister's location?"

            Butler spun around, searching for his unknown opponent.  The room was empty.

            "It's a good thing you called," the voice continued.  "We were about to have her call you, and that would have been slightly harder to trace."

            "Where are you?" Butler finally asked, eyes still darting around.

            Something pricked his neck.  "Right behind you."

            As he felt the tranquilizer pump through his blood stream, Butler twisted to see his attacker.  All he could see was a hypodermic needle hovering in midair right in front of a heat shimmer.

**Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen**

            Artemis hung up and pocketed his cell phone.  Thankfully Butler would soon be here to deliver him from this torture.  He backed up farther into the corner, hoping the shadows would hide him.  His classmates were out on the dance floor, enjoying the company of the girls from Saint Cecilia's.  Luckily, none of them had seen him yet—

            Too late.  He glanced over and spotted a group of girls standing near the punch table, eyeing him.  He offered them an appeasing smile, hoping they would go away.  Instead, one of them nudged another and said something, making the other girl giggle.  Slowly they started towards him.  Artemis felt panicked again.  Soon they were close enough for him to pick up on their conversation.

            "…he's got pretty hair," one of them said.  "All dark and shiny."

            "_Very_ cute," another one agreed.

            "He's pale," a third said.  "Unnaturally pale."

            "Maybe he's a computer geek."

            "But he's got _gorgeous_ eyes!"

            Having said this, the quintet stopped, still a safe distance.  Artemis eyed the hallway to the bathroom, calculating how much time he had to escape.

            "Excuse me, what's your name?"

            He jumped and looked in front of him.  The leader had approached him and was now smiling slightly, waiting for an answer.  He didn't curse, but came close enough.

            "D'arvit!" he said, wondering where the word had sprung from.

            "D'arvit?" she asked.  "That's a weird name."

            "No—that's not my name," he corrected hastily, doing a quick spot check.  Dark hair, sparkling brown eyes, pretty but not quite his type.  "It's—um—"

            Another girl giggled.  Artemis felt his cheeks flame.  "Artemis," he remembered.  "Artemis Fowl.  And you are…?"

            "Leila Shennigen," she said, smiling at him.  "Artemis.  That's an interesting name."

            "It's a family name," he answered, almost bashfully, smiling a little without thinking about it.

            "I like it," she said, smiling even wider, showing off her pretty white teeth.

            The hazel-eyed girl of his dreams had a white smile, too, and skin about this girl's shade.  Tan, but not too dark.  Artemis shook the image out of his head.  "Thank you."

            One of her friends giggled again.  "So…" she said.

            Artemis nearly panicked, but years of trying to restrain his emotions instantly kicked in.  "Would you care to dance?" he asked smoothly, gesturing with one hand to the dance floor.

            "I'd love to," she answered, taking his hand.  Artemis felt a jolt as he smiled at her and led her onto the dance floor.  Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, after all.

**LEP Headquarters, Haven**

            "Julius!  Julius!" Foaly called.

            Root appeared in the Operations Booth immediately.  "What have I told you about calling me Julius?" he barked.

            Foaly waved it away.  "You said Saint Bartleby's sounded familiar, right?"

            "Yes, what does that have to do with you calling me Julius?"

            Foaly handed the commander the pad he was holding.  Root read it and his eyes widened.

            "Of course!  Holly said Koboi wanted revenge.  Of course Koboi would be going—oh no."

            Foaly guessed what was on his commander's mind.  "Holly's walking into a trap," he breathed.  He turned around in his swiveling chair and hit a button.  "Holly?  Holly, come in!"

**Saint Bartleby's**

            Holly had found a girl outside the building looking sad and asked if she wanted to go inside.  The girl had gone in and Holly had hung around the door until the doorkeep asked her inside.  Once she was invited, Holly breezed in and started the hunt for Opal Koboi.

            With any luck, Koboi's disguise had left her features intact, as it had for Holly's, so finding the pixie shouldn't be too much trouble.  Of course, the fact that Opal was now over five feet tall made the task slightly harder.

            "Holly?  Holly, come in!"  Foaly's voice blasted into her ear and she clapped a hand to it.

            "Yes, Foaly, I hear you!" she hissed.  "Not so loud!  It hurts.  What's up?"

            "You are walking in the midst of a potentially dangerous situation," Root's voice informed her.  "Tread carefully."

            "We knew that already," Holly snapped back as she grabbed a cup of punch and drank some, then nearly spit it out.  Disgusting Mud Men drink.

            "But it's possible that Koboi was planning on us having you follow her.  That way she could start her revenge by killing two stink worms with one skewer."

            "How so?" Holly asked out of the corner of her mouth, surveying the room over the rim of her punch cup.  As Foaly started to reply she interrupted.  "Wait, Foaly, I have a potentially dangerous situation on hand.  I'll get back to you."  Before the centaur could protest she started towards the circle in the middle of the room.

            Artemis actually found himself enjoying the dance with Leila, which was unheard of.  When the song ended he escorted her back to her friends.  Or tried to.

            "Hey, Fowl," said a burly seventeen-year-old, stepping in front of their path.  Artemis recognized him immediately as Sean Finnegan, well-known as a school bully.

            "Yes, Finnegan?" he asked, stepping slightly in front of Leila.

            "Are you messing with my girl?"

            Artemis sent a swift glance at Leila, whose guilty face told him all he needed to know.  Great.  "Not that I am aware of," he replied calmly, stepping away from her.

            Finnegan turned his attention on Leila.  "Is he bothering you?"

            "No," she answered.  "We were just having a dance."

            This only served to make Finnegan angrier.  Whirling back onto Artemis, he growled, "I don't like _anyone_ doing _anything_ with my girl, Fowl."

            Using his peripheral vision Artemis noticed that a wide circle had formed around them.  Even better.  "I'm sorry to hear that," he retorted.  "Her life must be awfully boring."  Realizing that insulting Finnegan probably was not the best idea, he added, "I didn't know that you had any particular sort of primal claim on her."

            "It's not _primal_, Fowl.  This is the twenty-first century, and she's _my girl_."

            "I realize that now," Artemis said patiently.  "Now, if you will forget this incident I will."

            "Apparently, Fowl," Finnegan said, now cracking his knuckles, "you're not taking any lessons from this _incident_.  So I think maybe I'll teach you one."

            Where was Butler? Artemis thought, beginning to feel fear.  This was going to be messy.

            Even Leila looked scared from her position behind Finnegan.  "Sean," she said soothingly, "it was just a dance.  And it was my fault anyway—" Her voice faltered when he looked at her.

            "Now, hold on," said another girl, "there's no need for this to—"

            Artemis lost the end of her sentence when Finnegan's fist connected solidly with his nose.  He flew past a hastily-made break in the wall of people surrounding him and fell firmly on the ground.  Pain shot through him.  Gingerly he touched his nose.  His fingers came away bloody.  D'arvit, whatever that meant.

            No one else had ever punched him on the nose, he realized.  No one else had ever _punched_ him.  No, wait, someone had.  Holly had.

            Holly had punched him on the nose because he had kidnapped her in an evil scheme to steal gold from the LEP, that is, the Lower Elements Police.  The People.

            Artemis cradled his head in his hands as a thousand memories came flooding back into his mind.  It appeared that his headache was going to be larger than anticipated.

            Holly shoved through the crowd.  "Excuse me, excuse me," she muttered, pushing past several girls who were standing on their tiptoes, straining their necks for a glimpse.  Stupid Mud Girls.

            Finally she reached the center of the circle.  Her eyes instantly took in the situation.  A girl was standing behind a large boy who was standing before a pale, skinny boy who looked incredibly apologetic.  The large boy was cracking his knuckles.  Great.  This was going to be messy.

            "Now, hold on," she said in what she hoped was an official-yet-still-girly voice, "there's no need for this to—"

            The big boy punched the smaller one in the nose, and he went flying.  "—become violent," she finished, sighing.

            "Sean!" said the girl hiding behind the big boy.  "You didn't need to hurt him like that.  He's learned a lesson, now."

            "Poor guy," said a boy from behind Holly.  "Don't think he's ever had a good experience with girls.  Didn't even want to come tonight."

            Holly looked around the crowd.  Finally she shook her head.  "Well, don't everyone go help him at once," she muttered under her breath, starting towards the boy sitting on the floor, holding his head.  "Are you okay?"

            "No," he said.  Even though his voice was muffled, it still sounded slightly dignified.  "My nose is bleeding."

            At least that's what he meant to say.  What came out was more distorted, but Holly understood it enough to give him a hand.  "Come on," she said, "I'll look at it for you."

            He stood and put his head back into his hands, following her out.

            "Holly!" hissed a voice in her ear.  She jumped; she had forgotten about Foaly.  "What are you doing?"

            "I'm helping him," she muttered back.  "He just got punched in the nose by a bully, Foaly.  You know how I feel about bullies."

            "Girlie," Foaly responded.  Holly had been pushed around quite a bit when she had first joined Recon and as such had no tolerance for bullying of any kind.  He knew how she felt, all right.

            She found a vacant room and sat the boy down on the floor.  "Wait here for a second," she instructed, then started hunting in her purse for her field kit.

            Artemis watched his savior through his fingers.  She was very pretty, as far as he could see, with short auburn hair and Leila's skin color.  Her dress was forest green with spaghetti straps, a low neckline, and an empire waist that suited her willowy figure.  Very pretty.

            Then she turned back to him.  Hazel eyes looking at him with concern, perched above a slightly hooked nose and full, plump red lips.  A beautiful face.

            "Now, hold still," she started.  That voice.  Everything fell into place.  Artemis was so surprised he dropped his hands and stared at her.

            Holly turned back to the Mud Boy.  "Now, hold still—"

            His hands dropped and she found herself staring into a pair of deep, deep blue eyes, wide with surprise.  A lock of his dark hair fell into his face, and his mouth was slightly open.

            The face didn't scare her as much as what she saw in those eyes.  Surprise, lingering pain from his nose, but worst of all, _recognition_.

            "What in the name of Frond—?" Root gasped.

            "Holly?" the boy whispered.

            "D'arvit," Holly answered.  It seemed everyone's fears had come true: Artemis Fowl had regained his memory.

A/N II:  Review, review, you want to review!  Please?  At least five before the next chapter?


	2. More Memory

A/N:  *basks in the glory of reviews*  Man, I've missed those things.  Anyway, you guys really are quite nice.  And I DO listen to you; I think I toned down the hormones (if I didn't, feel free to tell me) for those of you who asked me to.  Of course, I spend a lot of time in the company of teenage guys, and as far as I can tell their minds are all in the gutter to some degree or another.  So, whilst dear Arty isn't in the gutter per say, he is _quite_ preoccupied.  Fair enough?   J  Now, onto

Chapter 2

Oh, wait.

Disclaimer:  It's not mine.  If I were half the genius Eoin Colfer is I would be a published author myself.  But I'm not.  So Arty isn't mine.  Well, so far there hasn't been any claim on the eighteen-year-old Arty, so I'll take him.  But I'm sure that'll come soon enough.  Now, I'm going to go watch _My Fair Lady_ whilst you go onto read

Chapter 2

            "It is you, then?"

            Artemis was hardly aware of the words leaving his mouth.  Holly was _tall_, somehow.  Plus the fact that he had been dreaming about her for a year without knowing who she was suddenly dawning on him, making him blush.

            Holly, for her part, looked equally surprised, probably from seeing him and from hearing him say her name.  She ran a hand through her short hair and tilted her head to the side.  Belatedly Artemis realized she must be at the school on LEP business, which meant she was probably bugged.

            "Is Foaly there?" he asked finally.

            Holly pulled something out of her ear and handed it to him.  He held it up to his ear, then winced and pulled it away as Root's voice blasted into his eardrum.

            "FOWL!" Root yelled.  "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

            "I'm not doing anything," Artemis protested.  "I—"

            "What made you remember?" Foaly cut in.

            "Getting punched in the nose," he answered promptly.

            "WHAT DOES GETTING PUNCHED IN THE NOSE HAVE TO DO WITH—"

            "Calm down, Commander," Foaly said patiently.

            "I was thinking that no one had ever punched me before, then I remembered some girl called Holly had punched me before, and she was the only person who had ever punched me before, and she punched me first because I had kidnapped her so I could get a lot of gold from the People…and everything just came back."

            "Are you sure you're Artemis Fowl?" Foaly asked suspiciously.  "You certainly don't sound like him."

            Artemis took a deep breath.  "I've recently been punched in the nose and had about three years' worth of memories come back to me.  Please excuse my lack of cognitive functions."

            "That's the Fowl we know and love."

            "Love?  Centaur, you need to have your head checked."

            "Well, Julius, I did appreciate having someone who understood what I was talking about when I explained my technological genius."

            "Excuse me," Holly said.  "Since I can't hear what you're talking about, I was wondering if Commander was trying to have me fired for indirectly helping Fowl regain his memories."

            "Tell Holly that no, I'm not going to fire her," Root instructed Artemis.  "She's one of the few people who can save us against you."

            "What makes you think I'm going to go against the People?" Artemis demanded, feeling slightly offended.

            "Just your personality.  We happen to know you're still involved in criminal enterprises—"

            "—from which I gain no personal profit," Artemis countered.  "I shut down the whalers and Amnesty International gets the money."

            "Whatever, Fowl."

            "He's telling the truth, Julius."

            "Foaly—"

            "He says he's not going to fire you," Artemis told Holly, dropping the speaker on the floor.  Holly looked down at it.  "They're arguing about my recent enterprises and how criminal they are."

            "Ah.  That could go on for days."  The elf captain looked around the room.  "Er—nice school."

            "Yes," Artemis said, for lack of anything else to say.

            She looked at him briefly.  "I've—D'arvit.  Your nose.  Come here."

            He obeyed, standing in front of her.  Even at her new height he was still taller than she was, so she had to reach up in order to touch his nose.  Something about the brief contact made his stomach do flips.

            "Heal," she said, and blue sparks jumped to his nose and scurried around.  When they disappeared, he wiggled his nose around.

            "Thanks."

            Holly found herself staring up at the Mud Boy.  He didn't move, just stared down at her, observing her.  For some reason the look he gave her made her blush faintly.

            He bit his lip.  "Er—it's, um, nice to remember you."

            "I've missed you," she blurted.  Her blush now in full swing, she added hastily, "Life's been boring without you.  No goblin wars, no adventures, just a few pickpockets and landsick tourists."

            For some reason, this seemed to make Artemis's cheeks flush.  "Thanks," he said uncertainly.  "I—I was going to continue being a criminal, but I couldn't.  I suppose I have Foaly to thank for that.  I've been putting rainforest developers out of business and such, instead."

**Haven**

            "All right, that's not the matter at hand," Root said, having tired of arguing with Foaly.  "Fowl, put Holly back on."

            Foaly's attentions were redirected to the screens.  "I don't think they're listening to us anymore," the centaur said, pointing.  The view from Holly's iris cam was Artemis's blushing face.  From her mike came:  "It's, um, nice to remember you."

            Root groaned.  "This is _not_ the time for her to be mooning over some Mud Boy.  Foaly, send some sparks through that camera."

**Saint Bartleby's**

            Holly was trying to figure out how to reply to that statement—or better yet, how to disentangle herself from that enrapturing blue gaze—when an electrical shock went through her right eye and suddenly she found herself looking at an X-ray view of Artemis's head.

            "Hm," Foaly said.  "It appears his brain _is_ larger than the average human's."

            "Ow!" she said, backing away.  It seemed to break the spell; Artemis jerked slightly and shook his head.

            "What?"

            "Foaly messed with my iris cam.  Hand me the speaker."

            He complied and she fixed it back into her ear.  "—WE'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF FOWL'S EYES, CAPTAIN.  IF YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN, WE'VE GOT AN ESCAPED CRIMINALS ON OUR HANDS."

            "Yes, sir," she sighed.  Artemis, having missed this, cocked his head at her inquisitively.  "Opal Koboi's escaped from prison," she explained hurriedly.  "She's supposedly in this building, right now."

            "She's the one who tried to take over the Lower Elements, right?" Artemis said after a moment.  "Sorry.  It's still all a bit fuzzy."

            "That's the one," Foaly said and Holly relied.  "Keep yours eyes out.  She's probably about 5'0", if not shorter."

            "That reminds me," Artemis said, "how did you manage to increase your height?"

            Holly sighed in exasperation.  "Some concoction of Foaly's.  Right now, Koboi and I are the test subjects.  The Council hasn't approved it yet, for Frond's sake.  But apparently," she added a bite in her voice Foaly was sure to pick up, "I simply _had_ to go Mud Girl."

            "Come on, Holly.  You should be flattered that I used you as my test subject.  It's a sign of trust."

            "Whatever."  She caught Artemis watching her, or rather, looking through her, his forehead creased with thought.

            "If Koboi has escaped," he said slowly, "and she's supposedly out for revenge, she would obviously come after Holly and I.  But…she would go after Butler, as well.  And the only way to catch Butler would be to threaten me—but that wouldn't be as effective, because if I was too far away, he would know.  So she would go after both Juliet and me, because then—" His eyes widened.

            "What?" Holly said impatiently.

            "I received a phone call earlier in the evening from Butler, informing me that he had called Juliet and received the code words for trouble and bad.  He was going to come and retrieve me before going after her."  He sighed.  "Which means Koboi probably traced him to find both myself and him."

            "You're right," said a voice.  A four foot tall Opal Koboi, flanked by what looked like two slightly stretched sprites with their wings folded under their jackets, was aiming a gun at them.  Opal looked much better than she had in prison: her hair was swept up, her cream-colored dress suiting her skin and almond eyes.

            "D'arvit," Root said over the speaker.

            "Isn't this cute?" Opal said, a giggle in her voice.  "Cute.  So cute.  So cute.  Cu-yoo-te!  Isn't that a funny word?"

            Artemis stared at her.  "Are—are you all right?"

            "That's not the issue," said Opal, composing herself.  "Now, if the two of you would be so kind as to accompany my men out of here, I can begin to exact my revenge."

            "Holly, give her the speaker," Root instructed.  Holly obeyed.  She couldn't hear what her commander said to Koboi, but it was obviously something very loud.

            "You know, Julius, you're going to give yourself a coronary if you don't calm down," Opal said aloud.  "I'm surprised your capillaries in your face haven't exploded yet."

            Holly and Artemis winced in unison.  "Got a plan?" she whispered out of the side of her mouth.

            He shrugged.  "No."

            "What?  The great Artemis Fowl without a plan?"

            He glowered at her.  "I'm a bit distracted."

            "By what?"

            "Never mind," he said, glancing back at Koboi to hide the flush in his cheeks.

            Great.  Just what she needed.  Apparently they _had_ done something to his IQ when they performed the mind wipe.  Holly looked around the room.  Completely empty, the only light streaming in the window from the moon, lighting up the dust particles.  She could flirt with the sprites, she supposed, while Opal was distracted by her banter with Root, but the sprites were probably on a big enough payroll to resist her attempts.  D'arvit.

            "Fowl?" said a new voice.  "Fowl?  Are you—oh."

            Two Mud Boys stood in the doorway, overshadowing the sprites and looking around in confusion.  "Guns," one of them finally said.  "Good grief, Fowl, what did you do?"

            Artemis seemed to relax.  "If you could knock out those two," he said, "I will offer an explanation."

            They looked at each other and shrugged.  The sprites turned around and were greeted by hands pinching their pressure points.  Opal looked up from the speaker.

            "Hey!" she said.  "You're not in the plan!"

            Holly looked the pixie squarely in the eye.  "Fly, Opal."

            The pixie, still looking quite put out, disappeared into a shimmer that soon left the room.

            The boys gaped at the spot where she had been in astonishment.  "Where'd she go?"

            "It was a holographic projection," Artemis said smoothly before Holly could speak.  "I was in the midst of negotiations.  The two you just knocked out were probably going to attempt to steal what I was negotiating to give for a price.  I owe you."

            "It's nothing," the leader of the two boys said.  "Although, I must tell you, Fowl, you invite the weirdest people into this building."

            "For the record," Artemis said, speaking to the mike on Holly's throat, "I did not invite them in here."

            "Right.  What's this?" the second boy asked, picking up the speaker Koboi had dropped.

            "Holly!" Root's voice could be heard, crackling slightly.  "What is going on?  Update!  Now!  That's an order!"

            Holly fairly snatched it away from him.  "It's a radio.  Lets me know the situation."

            The newcomers seemed to notice Holly for the first time.  Their mouths dropped.  "_Fowl_," said the first boy, "who is this?"

            "This is Holly," the genius said, glancing at her.  "I hired her to be my bodyguard."

            Holly repressed a sigh.  Honestly.  This was the best he could do?  Whatever was distracting him needed to stop.

            "What about that Butler?"

            "If you hadn't noticed, Butler has been banned from Saint Bartleby's," he continued smoothly.  At least he had a tight story for them.

            "Well, Holly, may I be first to introduce myself?  The name's Bobby O'Bobble," the leader said, bowing smoothly.

            "William McKinely," the second said, also bowing.  "If we can be of any assistance—"

            Holly shook her head.  "The situation is under control," she said, fixing the radio into her ear.

            "—you DOING?" Root roared.  "The prisoner has ESCAPED, and you're sitting around chatting up a couple of Mud Boys!  Repeat:  WHAT ARE YOU—"

            "Tell your commander," Artemis said, "that the situation is under control."

            He must have seen the look on her face.  "Commander?" Bobby asked.

            "Holly's on loan from the Irish government," he explained.  "This…negotiation…was of utmost importance to them."

            "You don't sound Irish," William said.

            "I'm…" Holly cast around desperately for an English-speaking country.  "Canadian."

            "Canadian?  I like Canadians," Bobby said, slipping her arm through his elbow.  "Now, seeing as your job with Fowl here is done, I won't take no from you to dancing with me."

            Holly glanced at Artemis for help, but he seemed to be struggling to keep a straight face.  "Fine," she said to Bobby, throwing a glowering look at Artemis and ignoring Root's shouting in her ear.

            "I'll go fetch your equipment," he offered.

            "It's outside the school, well-hidden," she said, still glowering.  Fowl was going to _pay_.

***

            Artemis waited until he could no longer hear Bobby's voice to snicker.  It wasn't in his usual nature to snicker, so he kept it short, but still.  "Lollipops," he muttered to himself.

            Well.  While Captain Short danced with his schoolmates, he had a few things to do.  He slipped out of the Student Union building and dug around in the bushes until he found Holly's equipment.  Ah.  The LEP had pulled through.  Here was a set of wings, a moon-belt, and a sheet of camouflage foil.  This he wrapped around himself before putting on the wings and moon-belt.  He pulled the motor and glided into the sky.  He wasn't going to be able to fly too high, but he managed to get some cloud cover on his way to Butler's hotel.

            He landed and shed his equipment.  Upon entering the hotel, he called the attention of the boy behind the desk and said, "Excuse me, but can you tell me which room Mr. Butler is staying in?"

            The boy checked his list.  "Butler…isn't he the huge old man?"

            Artemis gritted his teeth.  Butler was hardly an "old man."  "Yes," he said.

            "Yeah, that one…he's in room 419."

            "Has he left the hotel?"

            "Nope.  Been up there all night, best of my knowledge."

            That wasn't good.  "Thank you," Artemis said, nodding as he went to the elevator.

            He found room 419 and stepped inside.  "Butler?" he called, looking around.  There was no sign of his manservant anywhere.  In fact, there was no sign of anyone having been in this room at all.  Artemis frowned and rubbed his temples.  If something happened to Butler, he would be in trouble.  But there couldn't be an absolute lack of the manservant's presence…        

            He looked at the carpet in the room, but it looked as though it had been recently vacuumed.  It was almost as though someone had rearranged the whole room to erase any trace of Butler.  Except…yes.  There, on the pillows on the bed, was a scrap of paper that read:

_If you're looking for Butler, he has been taken far away.  Very far.  So far you'll never find him.  Which is why I'm going to bring you to him._

            The paper burst into flames as soon as he read it.  Artemis instantly looked around the room for the tell-tale shimmer of a fairy.  Nothing.

            Well, Butler was obviously gone.  And with him, Juliet.  Perfect.  Just what he needed.  Leaving the hotel, Artemis covered himself back up and flew towards Fowl Manor.

            He got home and quietly snuck inside, hoping neither of his parents were watching the cameras.  He was so intent on this hope that he ran right into his mother without seeing her.

            "Arty?" his mother asked, looking surprised.  "What are you doing here?"

            For some reason, his mother instantly made him feel ten again.  "Er—I was just—well, the dance was just—"

            "Oh!  That was tonight, wasn't it?"  Angeline Fowl clapped her hands, beaming.  "Now, darling, you simply must tell me how it went."

            "Well, Mother," he said, allowing her to lead him towards the study.  "It went very well."

            "Did you meet anyone?" she said mischievously.

            "Yes," he answered.  "But it turned out she was already claimed by another schoolmate, so I had to back off."

            "I'm sorry, darling," Angeline said sympathetically, pushing open the door to the study.  "Timmy?" she called.  "Timmy, Arty's here."

            "Arty?" Artemis Fowl the First asked, looking up from his desk to see his wife and his son.  "What are you doing home from school?  And how did you get here so quickly?"

            "The dance ended and they sent everyone home.  Er—Juliet met me at the airport."

            "Oh, is that where she went?"  Angeline frowned.  "I sent her downstairs a few hours ago for some caviar and she never came back.  I do hope she's getting it."

            "I'm sure she is, Mother," Artemis said, glad his parents had decided to overlook his lie.  "Well—I guess I'll be going to bed, now."

            "Oh, Arty," his mother said, "you've only just got home.  Surely you'd like to stay up with us for a little while?"

            He opened his mouth to reply when his cell phone rang.  He pulled it out of his pocket and answered it.  "Hello?"

            "Fowl?  You there?  This Foaly, testing, one, two, one, two, do you hear me?"

            "I hear you," he said, acutely aware of his parents' stares.  "This isn't the best time—"

            "I've got him, Holly!"  Foaly's voice was soon replaced.

            "FOWL!" Holly yelled.

            "You could step in for your Commander," Artemis said casually, leaning back against the wall.

            "Who is it, Arty?" his father asked, just as Holly asked, "WHERE ARE YOU?"

            "I'm at my house," he answered Holly.  "Hold on please."  He lifted his head and addressed his father, "A representative of the Irish government."

            "Arty!  You promised no more criminal enterprises!" Angeline said disapprovingly.

            "It isn't because of criminal activity!" he protested.

            "Artemis, what are you talking about?" Holly demanded.  "I'll have you know that, although your schoolmates are quite charming, I would very much like to leave here.  I have a convict to chase after, remember?  And you took my equipment."

            "Do you want me to come get you?"

            "Do you mean you actually used the wings?"

            Artemis shrugged, aware she couldn't see.  "Yes, why?"

            "You're not supposed to be able to—you must be one skinny Mud Boy."

            "I don't exercise much," he said defensively.  "Now, look, I'm talking with my parents right now, if you want me to come get you I will."

            "No, no, you can't shield."  He could practically see her thinking.  "Hold on."

            He lowered the phone and met his parent's stares.  "I was in the middle of a business transaction and was threatened.  Now someone my government contact was supposed to be arresting has gotten away, and I'm afraid she's not very happy with me."

            "Arty—you'll never cease to amaze me," his father said.  "What sort of business transaction?"

            "It was a setup."  Artemis cleared his face of all emotion.  "I owed her a favor and so I set up a supposed transaction in order to place her in a position where she could reach her target.  Unfortunately, due to interference on the part of my classmates and a slight lack of knowledge on my part, we are now in this current situation."

            Angeline did something totally unexpected.  She reached over and ruffled her son's hair.  "You're so cute when you talk like that.  Did any of the girls say anything?"

            "Fowl," came Holly's voice.

            "Yes?" he said, holding the phone back up to his ear.

            "How far away are you from the school?"

            "Several miles out," he answered.

            "How long would it take you to get here in, say, the Bentley?"

            He thought.  "Approximately thirty minutes, depending on traffic."

            "Come get me.  In the car."

            "I'm not allowed to—"

            "Look, once you get here, I'll drive back."

            "You don't know how to—"

            "I'm over eighty years old.  They can't get me for being underage," Holly snapped.

            "Eighty?"

            "Actually, I'm quite young, now that you mention it.  Now get over here."

            She hung up—or at least, Foaly came back on.  "What'd you do?" the centaur asked.

            "You don't want to know," he sighed.  "I have to go get her.  Goodbye."

            "Oh, I can't wait for Root's reaction," were Foaly's parting words.  Artemis hung up and smiled placatingly at his parents.  "I have to be somewhere in a few minutes to see if we can't catch the person after all.  I'll come right home."

            He left without giving his parents time to reject.  Angeline exchanged a look with her husband, who shook his head.

            "When he sets his mind to something, nothing'll stop him," Artemis Fowl the First said.  "We might as well wait for him to come back."

***

            "You do realize," Artemis said as he stepped out of the Bentley on unsteady legs, "there's a reason for the speed limit?"

            A very cross-looking Holly glared at him.  "I'm not a Mud Maid.  The rules apply to Mud Men."

            "They apply to _everyone_," he muttered at her back, following her out the garage and through the front doors of his house.  "How can you get inside my house?"

            "You kidnapped me, remember?" she said, throwing a glance at him over her shoulder.  "It counts as an invitation.  That, and I was here for the mind-wiping, remember?"

            He smiled.  "Actually, I do."

            For some reason, the smile she flashed back at him made his stomach squirm.  Just enough to be noticeable.  "We're going to the study, right?"

            "Yes," he said, continuing to follow her through his house.  "Please don't tell me you've been checking up on me since the mind-wipe."

            Holly shrugged, her back still to him.  "Maybe once or twice.  When I got really bored."

            Something in her tone didn't quite match her words, but he didn't press her as they reached the study.  His parents were still inside, watching something on one of the computers.  She paused and waited for him to pass her.

            They looked up.  "Arty, you're back," said his mother, the relief evident in her voice.  "And—oh, hello."

            Holly belated remembered she was still wearing the dress.  She had thought it suited her, when she picked it out; it was velvet, but had a sheer layer draping out from the waist, slit up the front middle.  Angeline Fowl seemed to approve of it.  "That color suits you."

            "Thank you," she said, surprised to realize she meant it.  It was funny.  She had healed both of the adults in front of her, but didn't truly know either of them.

            "Ah, Mother, Father," said Artemis, stepping slightly in front of her, "this is Holly.  Holly, these are my parents, Angeline and Artemis Fowl."

            "Pleased to meet you," she said politely.

            "Pleasure's all mine," said Fowl the First, stepping around his desk to shake her hand.

            Artemis had circled to stand next to his mother.  He groaned.  "Why are you watching this?"

            "Your father's trying to reconnect with your childhood.  You know how guilty he feels."

            Holly felt a sneaky grin on her face.  "What is it?"

            "Nothing," Artemis said hastily, stepping in front of the screen.

            She was still shorter than him, too short to peek over his shoulder.  Casually she asked, "Is it your fourth birthday party?  That's the one where you asked Butler to shoot one of the other children for—what was it—'infringing upon your possessions,' isn't it?"

            He looked down at her.  "And how would you know about that?"

            "Foaly sent it to me in an email," she replied easily, avoiding his eyes.  "He swore I'm the only one he sent your memories to."

            Now he was regarding her with curiosity.  "And why did you wish to peruse my memories?"

            "What _are_ you talking about?" asked Root.  Artemis jumped and turned around to face the screen.

            "How did you get into my computer?" the elder Fowl wanted to know, staring in fascination at the face on the screen, which was currently a pretty shade of raspberry.

            "My technological genius," came another voice.

            "That's Foaly," Holly explained quickly.  "Um—we call him that because he's got a rather horsy-looking face.  Anyway, he's too paranoid to allow himself to be on a camera at all.  And the man on the screen is my commander, Root.  Commander, the woman is Angeline Fowl, and the man is Artemis Fowl the First."

            Root scrutinized the teenager's parents.  "You're Fowl's parents?"

            "Yes," they answered, a note of pride in their voices.

            He shrugged.  "Interesting.  Holly, I need to speak with you.  Preferably without the Mud—without the Fowls."

            "I think Fowl Two can stay," she said, glancing at Artemis.  Then she looked to his parents.  "I'm sorry, but—top secret government business, and all."

            "I understand," said Artemis's father.  "Come on, Angeline, let's go watch _Bringing Up Baby_."

            "My favorite," she said, beaming at him and allowing him to take her hand and lead her from the study.  They shut the door behind them.

            Holly glanced over to see their son smiling fondly at the door.  As soon as he noticed her gaze, his face went emotionless and he turned to the screen.

            "Interesting people, your parents," Foaly's voice said.  "_Bringing Up Baby_.  That was a strange one.  I remember when it first premiered.  Couldn't see why the Mud People didn't like it."

            "Well, I think some of the magic went to their heads," Artemis said conversationally.  "Anyway, Commander, you wished to speak?"

            "To Short.  Alone."

            "It's all right," Holly intervened.  "We think the Butler siblings have been kidnapped.  He needs to hear what you have to say."

            Root still looked disgruntled.  "I hope you realize, Fowl, that we're going to wipe your mind again."

            Artemis faintly smiled his vampire smile.  "No.  Once was enough, with all due respect, Commander."

            The smoke from Root's cigar flared for a moment then settled back down.  "Very well.  Koboi is currently—where is she?"

            "En route to the United States," Foaly supplied.  "On a boat, I believe—she's going too slowly to be on a plane."

            "Great," said Holly.  "I've still got time to go get her."

            "Wait a moment, please," Artemis said.  Turning back to the screen, he addressed Foaly.  "I assume you somehow marked Butler, Juliet, and myself during or after the mind wipe.  Am I correct?"

            Foaly didn't reply for a moment.  Finally he said, "I think I have a lock on Butler.  He was the only one I marked—mainly because I figured wherever you were, he would be nearby."

            "You didn't mark Fowl?"  Clearly, this was new to Root, and it apparently didn't please him.

            "Let's say it was a leap of faith," Foaly said calmly.  "Trusting the kid not to do anything stupid."

            Root took a long puff on his cigar.  "Right.  So, where is Butler?"

            "In the US," Foaly said.  "Um…it looks like one of the southern states."

            "The South?" Root asked.  "Didn't they lose some stupid war or something?"

            "They lost the American Civil War," Artemis answered automatically.  "1860 to 1865.  The greatest lost of American life ever.  The rest of the world wasn't concerned.  Except France, but they hardly count.  In all actuality, it was a pointless war fought over slavery and taxes.  As most human wars are."

            There was silence.  "Right," Holly said finally.  "So I assume I'm going to the South.  I have clearance, right?"

            "I'm going with you," Artemis said firmly.  "We can take the Lear jet."

            "You don't know how to fly that—" she started, but the look on his face refused all argument.  "Fine."

            "It'll let you rest," Foaly interrupted.  "Actually, it's a good plan.  And you'll have me.  Nothing will go wrong."

            "Foaly, the last time you started thinking like that, Opal Koboi nearly took over the Lower Elements," Holly said, rolling her eyes.  "Let's not get cocky."

            "So, are we all in accord with each other?" Artemis asked.  "Holly and I will travel on the Lear jet to America, hopefully beating Koboi to the Butlers, rescue the Butlers, and set a trap into which Koboi will hopefully walk."

            "I don't like it," Root said immediately.

            "We never thought you would, Julius," Foaly said.  "Which is why I'm terminating this connection."

            The screen went dead.  As anxious as she was about capturing Koboi, Holly felt the first stirrings of excitement.  She was paired with Artemis Fowl again.  Life would not be boring for the next few days.  She couldn't wait.

A/N II:  Yeah, okay, the ending's a little lame, but it was getting kind of long, and I'm trying to keep these chapters of a uniform length in order to keep my readers (of which there are very few, at the moment) happy—I certainly don't like it when authors update with three-paragraph cliff-hanger chapters and disappear for three days, and I imagine this opinion is shared by others.  Now, please, REVIEW!  *sings review song*


	3. Hormones, darn those blasted hormones

A/N:  Wow, thirty reviews!  You guys are awesome!!  Before anything else, I would like to say **WARNING:  LARGE AMOUNTS OF HORMONES IN THIS CHAPTER.  LOTS AND LOTS.  POOR ARTY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIMSELF.  ISN'T IT _CUTE_?**  *glances around nervously to check is 18-year-old Arty is nearby*  So, now you can't say I didn't warn you.  

Next, sorry to disappoint all you guys, but this isn't an A/H fic. This is a Trouble/Holly fic. The facts that Trouble hasn't shown up at all, or that Artemis can't stop staring at Holly, or that Holly and Artemis are going somewhere alone together on a jet are completely irrelevant.

...

I was kidding.  I don't understand T/H fics at _all_.  I mean, we really don't know that much about Trouble to begin with, and there's absolutely no basis for any sort of relationship even coming close to romance in the books.  Of course, the A/H ship has little more, but at least we know Holly _misses_ him…*grins* there's still hope!

As for the review song, there are several, but the ones I know of I read in the stories of Silver Phoenix, who can be found here as SilverPhoenix25 and at Sugar Quill simply as Silver Phoenix. She writes Harry Potter fanfics (and parodies. Be sure to check out Harry Potter and Some Sorceror's Rock, Harry Potter and the Chamberpot of Secrets, and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of A Cabana. *plug plug plug* very funny*).

On that subject, unless I feel like there's an issue that seriously needs to be addressed and/or I don't have your email, I won't be doing review replies in the story.  I find it's distracting from the story line, plus it takes up a lot of room (like this a/n) and gives the false belief that a chapter is longer than the truth, which is simple agonizing.

_Dedication_:  To Lessa3 (whose story Artemis Fowl 4 is hilarious and highly recommended), who has a Trig test this week.  I had one today.  I share in your pain.  Luck to you, _mon amie_.

Finally, the disclaimer:  The only Artemis Fowl I own is the non-existent 18-year-old Arty, and he doesn't leave my house.  Ever.  And I don't get any money from him.  So, onto

Chapter 3

**A cell, somewhere in the United States of America**

            Butler woke up, his head throbbing.  As usual, the first thing he did was to look around his surroundings.  He was in a pitch-black room with an apparently concrete floor.

            He stood slowly and carefully, reaching out to see if he felt the wall, then to see if his head hit the ceiling.  The top of his shaven crown bumped the ceiling and his left hand hit the wall.  Right.  The room wasn't very big, then.

            "Who's there?" said a voice.  Butler recognized the voice and smiled grimly.

            "Juliet?" he said.

            "Dom?" she asked.  "Where are you—I can't see a thing in here—oof!"

            Something connected with Butler's chest.  "Right, I think you've found me," he said.  "Are you all right?"

            "I'm fine," she answered.  "A little groggy, but nothing too serious.  You?"

            "Same here," he said, hugging her.  "Got me with a tranquilizer.  It was floating in midair—fancy work, just to knock me out.  Artemis wasn't with me.  If all is well he should still be at the dance."

            "You called him?"

            "Yes.  They might have gotten a trace on him."  Butler felt like swearing.  "But I have no doubt he'll watch after himself."

            "I hope so."  Juliet's voice was worried.  "Do you have any idea where we are?"

            "No."

            A sudden blinding light appeared from a hole in one of the walls.  It took Butler a moment to process the fact that a door had opened, and standing in the doorway was a diminutive female.

            "Oh, it's so dark and dreary in here," she said in a strangely sweet voice.  "Let's have some light, shall we?"

            Butler released Juliet as a light flashed on.  His pupils shrank to accommodate the light, then settled back to their normal size, allowing him to study their visitor.  She was short, with dark hair and pale skin and dark eyes with a slightly wild look to them.  Obviously lacking something upstairs.

            "Dreary," she was saying to herself.  "That's such an awful word.  Dreary, dreary, dreary.  Makes you unhappy, doesn't it?"

            "Er—I suppose so," Butler said cautiously.

            She peered up at him.  "Oh, don't say you don't remember me!" she pouted.  "Come on.  I tried to take over the world a few years back?"

            Butler stared at her, mystified.  "Technological genius?" she added.  "Tiny?  Opal Koboi?"

            "The name sounds familiar," he said finally, still staring at her, aware of Juliet posed to strike next to him, "but I'm afraid I can't place you."

            She abandoned her beckoning stance and stared up at him curiously.  "They really did wipe your mind," she said, almost wonderingly.  "Trust Foaly to be thorough."

            Then her sanity fled again.  "Foaly, Foaly, Foaly," she sang.  "Foaly-moaly, I'll get you too, I'll beat you, Foaly-poly."

            "Er—that's nice," he attempted.  "Would you like to tell me why I'm being held captive?"

            "Revenge!" she said happily.  "I'm taking my revenge on the world!  The LEP will be sorry they messed with me!  Sorr-ee, m-ee!  It rhymes!  I _am_ a genius!"

            "Of course you are," Juliet said soothingly.  Out of the corner of her mouth she muttered, "Should I deck her now?"

            Amazingly enough, their little hostess caught the twenty-year-old's remark.  "Now, it's not time to get all violent, now is it?" she said, shaking her finger warningly.  "Otherwise I'll _mesmerize_ you, and then all my fun will be gone.  You better be good while I'm gone."

            And with that she left the room, leaving Butler and Juliet to stare at each other.  "Well…that was interesting…" Juliet ventured.

            "Opal Koboi," Butler mused, rubbing his chin.  "I _know_ I've heard that name before."

            "And Foaly," Juliet added.  "Foaly.  And the LEP.  It's all—"

            "—in my mind," he finished.  "Only I can't make the connection."

            She matched his frowning face.  "I'm sure it'll come to us with time.  In the mean time…you see any weak spots in this place?"  
            Butler shook his head.  "It's almost like a seamless box.  I wouldn't know there was a door if I hadn't seen…Opal…come in there."

            "Great."  Juliet flopped onto the floor, her blonde pigtail flying around.  "What are we going to do?"

            Butler carefully sat down next to her.  In the past few years, it had been harder and harder to get up and down.  "I'm going to meditate," he informed her.  "You may do as you wish."

            Without waiting for a reply, he closed his eyes and began breathing deeply—or at least as deeply as his constricted lung would allow him, searching for his inner calm.  And hoping against hope that Artemis would devise a plan to get him out of here.

***

            "Aren't you supposed to be flying the jet?" Holly asked as Artemis joined her in the passenger part of the Lear jet.

            He shrugged.  "It's set on autopilot.  As long as I monitor its progress every five or ten minutes, we should be fine."

            "Somehow, that isn't reassuring," she muttered, casting an eye around her surroundings.  "Look like you keep this thing well stocked."

            He shrugged again.  "I never know when I might need it.  I do my best to be prepared."

            "Are you all right?" she asked, studying him.  His blue eyes seemed distracted and he gave the barest of jumps at her question.

            "I'm—fine," he replied, avoiding her gaze.  "Worried about Butler and Juliet, that's all.  And I still have a bit of a leftover headache from remembering everything."

            "Oh."  For lack of a better reply.  He shifted in his seat and looked around.  Holly looked around again as well.  For some reason he was amazingly tense; the silence bore down on her heavily.

            "What have you been doing?" he asked abruptly, looking back at her.  She met his gaze and was surprised to note him swallowing.  _Something_ was bothering him.

            "This isn't like the time you didn't tell me we were going to cut off Spiro's thumb, is it?" she said suspiciously, ignoring his question.

            Now he stared at her, confusion evident in his eyes.  "What's like that time?"

            "This.  Something's bothering you.  There isn't something vital you're not telling me, is there?"

            To her complete and utter surprise, Artemis Fowl blushed to the roots of his hair.  He looked angry and uncomfortable blushing.  It was almost cute.  "No—no, it's nothing like that," he assured her, looking away.

            "Then what is it?" she persisted.

            "It's nothing that concerns you," he said sharply, now looking very angry.  "I'm going to check on the autopilot."  And with that he jumped out of his seat and practically scampered to the cockpit.

            Holly sat back, momentarily stunned.  This Artemis Fowl was completely different from the one she remembered.  She had never seen him lose control like that—well, his eyes _had_ been a tad bit red when she had found him right after Butler had been shot, but beyond that he was always in complete control of himself.

            She became aware of something coming from her helmet.  She picked the helmet up and pulled out the headset, putting them on over her ears.  Then she recognized the sound.  It was Foaly laughing.

            "What?" she asked, annoyed.

            "I saw all that, you know," he said.  "Root's gone.  You ought to be thankful for small blessings."

            "Why?"

            "Oh, Holly," Foaly said, still chuckling slightly.  "Don't tell me it's not obvious."

            "What's not obvious?"

            "You really don't know?"

            "No," she said, even more annoyed.  "What's so funny about that exchange?"

            She could practically see Foaly shaking his head.  "Poor kid," he muttered absent-mindedly.  "I wouldn't think you'd be so blockheaded, but—"

            "Foaly," Holly said sharply.  "If you do not tell me _right now_ what you find so amusing, and what I am missing, then I will—"

            "Do what?  As far as I can tell, you still can't fit inside the Ops Booth."

            Gritting her teeth together, she enunciated clearly as she said, "You shouldn't have mentioned that.  It's another bone of contention.  Now, _tell me what's so_—"

            "Short!" barked Commander Root.  "What are you doing?  Concentrate!"

            Holly felt a muscle tighten in her jaw.  "I was just having a conversation with Foaly, Commander," she said cordially.

            "You should be watching Fowl!  Who knows what tricks he might play without supervision."

            "I don't think he'll do anything Holly wouldn't approve of," Foaly said with a snicker.

            "What does that mean?" the two LEP officers demanded.  But Holly suddenly had a very good idea.

            "Oh NO," she said sharply.  "Foaly, you are COMPLETELY and TOTALLY wrong."

            "Of course I am," the centaur said with false smoothness.  "Just imagining things.  Right.  You just watch him Holly, and see if I'm not right."

            "Right about what?" Root insisted.

            "Go cut off your front legs," Holly snapped at Foaly.  "You're wrong."

            She could see him smile patiently.  "Of course, Holly.  Of course."

            Artemis leaned his forehead against the wall of the cockpit, feeling weak.  He held up his hands in front of his face and was not surprised to find them trembling.

            Never.  Ever.  In his entire life, he had _never_ lost control like that.  He had _blushed_, for crying out loud.  _Blushed_.  And all because of a pretty face.  Although that wasn't all he found attractive about Holly, of course.  From his clearly professional view, she had a high intellect and was able to grasp most of his plans, and even anticipate him at times.  From his controlling hormonal view, she was _very_ pretty.  He liked her hair; it was a pretty color.  Her eyes sparkled and she had such pretty red—

            No, no, no.  He was _not_ going to finish that train of thought.  He was _finished_ with allowing his hormones to control his actions.  He was _not_ going to dwell on any personal feelings he might possibly harbor for Captain Short—which he _didn't_—there were _no _feelings between him and Holly—_Captain Short_—he was done with emotions for the time being.

            "Damn," he muttered under his breath.  He thought the word a second time; now he was vocalizing clichéd terms he had sworn he'd never used.  He ran a hand through his dark hair and let it fall into his face, taking a deep breath.  Control.  It was all about control.  He had to _make_ himself calm down.

            He found his inner chi, as Butler had taught him.  Once satisfied that he had a full reign on his emotions, he reentered the passenger area.  Holly was sitting in her seat, holding the headset from her too-small helmet to her ear and scowling.

            "Is something wrong?" he asked, leaning against the doorframe with his hands stuck casually in his pockets.

            Holly jumped and looked at him, a scowl still on her face.  "No," she said.  "Foaly's just being obstinate, that's all."  She paused, apparently listening to the headset, then asked, "Where are we?"

            "About halfway to Atlanta."

            She put the headset on the chair next to hers and turned the volume up.  "Atlanta?" barked Root.  "Why Atlanta?"

            "Because it has the biggest airport," Artemis explained.  "Therefore it is an ideal place for losing oneself among the crowds."

            "But Koboi isn't in this Atlanta place," Root snapped.

            "Unlike you, Commander," Holly said, a sarcastic note of respect in her voice as she jumped to Artemis's defense, "we don't have access to Foaly's computers twenty-four seven.  So excuse us if we aren't landing _exactly_ where you want us to be."

            "Where is she?" Artemis asked, recognizing the telltale signs of his hormones making his stomach jump.  Holly jumping to his defense was making it squirm in sort of a nice, warm way.  But he was ignoring it.  _Ignoring it_.

            "Somewhere in…Alabama," Foaly answered.  "Fowl, you wouldn't by any chance have your laptop, would you?"

            "Of course I have my laptop," Artemis said, reaching into the luggage carrier above Holly's head and pulling it out.  He opened it and clicked on it to make it connect to the Internet.  "Next?"

            There was a clacking of keys.  "Check your email," the centaur instructed.  Artemis obeyed and found himself looking at a map of…Alabama.

            "As you can tell by the blinking light," Foaly's narrative began, "Koboi is in the northern part of the state, right outside of some sort of city called…Huntsville.  Butler, too, is right outside of this city, so I believe we can assume that Juliet is with him."

            "How can we assume that?" Holly asked.

            "Koboi would want all of her victims together," Root cut in.

            "Right," Artemis said.  "Does this Huntsville have an airport?"

            "Right on," Foaly said.  "Just correct your course and you're there.  It's not even an hour more on your flight time."

            They arrived in Huntsville on the very edge of the city, disembarking from the plane and looking around carefully.  "All right," Foaly said.  "Um…you're a bit to the northwest.  You need to be…south of here."

            "I thought you said they were in the north," Holly protested.  Due to the time change, it was only about seven, so the sun was only just setting.  The air was still as they left the airport.

            "Yes, well, this _is_ north Alabama," Foaly said.  "But they're at the southern end of Huntsville."

            "And how, pray tell, are we supposed to get there?  It's not like I can go underground and explain Artemis away when I still look Mud Maid."

            Artemis smirked slightly at her anger.  It had been nearly twenty-four hours and Holly was still at her human height.

            "And I don't think these wings are going to last us that long," Holly said, "besides all the interference from the planes.  We're too heavy."

            There was a long pause while Root and Foaly's voices became barely audible.  Holly sniffed the air.  "It's hot," she complained.

            "I'd say overly humid," Artemis replied absent-mindedly, still absorbing his surroundings.  They were right outside the private hangers.  The regular jets were farther away.  One flew overhead.  He followed it, and his eyes landed on the parking lot.  It was gargantuan, as far as he could see.  Suddenly he felt like smacking himself, or he would have if he ever felt like doing something clichéd.  Which he did, occasionally.

            "Stay here," he told Holly, starting towards the parking lot.

            That got Root and Foaly's attention.  "Just where do you think you're going, Fowl?" Root yelled.

            "We're at an airport," he explained patiently.  "Obviously, most people cannot bring their cars along with them on an airport.  Therefore, there is a rental car establishment nearby.  I plan upon renting a car, bringing it back here, and then driving to our destination."

            "_I'll_ drive," Holly said sharply.

            "Oh, yes, _that's _an idea," Artemis said sarcastically.  "I can clearly remember the last time you drove a car.  Are you out to have us arrested?"

            "Time was pressing then, as it is now," she snapped back.  "And I _can_ drive the speed limit, when the situation calls for it."

            Suppressing a sigh (and the thought that Holly looked cute when she was angry), he replied curtly, "I'll be back," then walked off.

            Holly gaped at Artemis's retreating form.  "Wait!" she said, running after him, putting her headset back on with fumbling fingers.  "I am _not_ letting you walk off without me."

            He stopped and waited for her.  "Concerned, Captain?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

            Foaly snickered in her ear.  "Yes," she said, hoping she hadn't gone red.  "The last thing we want is one of us being carted off by Opal while the other one isn't around."

            He stared at her, only a moment longer, then shrugged.  "Very well."  He turned around and kept walking.  Holly trailed behind him.

            "Yeah, Holly," Foaly said quietly in her ear.  "I'm wrong.  Keep telling yourself that."

            Luckily, her throat mike could pick up the barest whisper, so she didn't have to alert Artemis to her conversation.  "Is Root gone?"

            "Yes."

"Good.  Does he _look_ like he thinks _anything_ about me?"

            "He's an adolescent," Foaly argued.  "Obviously he has a wave of hormones going on.  And let's face it, you're not homely yourself.  And his pragmatic side will find you most compatible with his needs.  He's going to be attracted to you."

            "Fine," she muttered.  "That doesn't mean much.  He'll just—"

            "What does it mean to _you_?" Foaly asked suddenly.

            "What is _that_ supposed to mean?" Holly demanded quietly, although she felt a blush creeping up her neck.

            The centaur snorted.  "Don't think I don't remember how emotional you were at the mind wipe.  What was it?  'We could have been friends'?"

            "He's not a bad person," Holly said.  "Now that he's got his memories back, he'll remember what it's like to be decent.  And his parents are nice people, and there's always the Butlers."

            "He's still a criminal."

            "Criminals can be changed."

            "I can't believe this," Foaly said.  "I don't want to."

            "Believe what?"

            He sighed into her ear.  "I think I'm going to get Root to pull you from this mission."

            "_Why_?" she yelped.

            "Why what?" Artemis asked, glancing at her over his shoulder.  Her eyes snagged his for a moment, their blue depths ensnaring her again.  Hastily she looked at the ground.

            "Nothing," she muttered, still not looking at him.

            "You see?" Foaly said into her ear.  "You can't look him in the face.  You're nervous.  You're—you _like_ him, Holly."

            "No I don't," she said finally.  "Just because I think we can be friends doesn't mean I'm madly in love with him, Foaly.  After all, he is a Mud Boy first and foremost."

            "There's my girl," he said affectionately.  "Don't worry me like that again."

            He was quiet after that, and as Artemis didn't offer any communication, the walk to the rental car place was filled with the strange screeching of cicadas.  Holly breathed in, and although the air was full of airplane and car exhaust, there was still a sweet freshness she just couldn't get below ground.

            After at least half an hour, they arrived at the main airport.  Holly snagged an invitation by _mesmerizing_ a guard.  They followed the signs from there until they arrived at the rental car desk.  The man eyed Artemis.

            "Aren't you a little young to be driving?"

            "_I'm_ the driver," Holly said quickly, ignoring his swift, angry glance.  "And we need a car.  Something fast."

            The man consulted his list.  "Well…we were just donated a new BMW Z-3…"

            "That's fine," the teenager said quickly.

            "Right," the man said.  "Now…do you have thirty thousand dollars?"

            "I do," Artemis said calmly, reaching into his pocket and withdrawing a wallet, inside which was a debit card for his Swiss account, if Holly could read it right.  The rental car salesman accepted it incredulously and swiped it.

            "You clear," he said.  "Are you Artemis Fowl?"

            "The Second," he answered.

            The man, still looking slightly unbelieving, reached under the desk and handed over a single key on a key ring.  "She's all yours.  Right out that way, please," he added, pointing.

            Holly thanked him hurriedly and dashed after Artemis, who had immediately started back outside for the car.

            "Which was is it?"

            He stood and looked around, then nodded towards a pretty little blue convertible.  Holly walked over to it and ran a hand over its hood.  "Are you seeing this, Foaly?"

            "You bet," the centaur said, his voice full of awe.  "Isn't she a beauty?  Not much of a technological beauty, but boy, is she pretty."

            "Yes, yes, it's a very nice car," Artemis said impatiently.  "Are you getting in or not?"

            Holly graced him with a polite smile.  "Ah, Mr. Fowl, you seem to be misguided.  You're sitting in the driver's seat."

            "No, I'm not," he said firmly.  "I still remember the catastrophe you called the trip back to the manor."

            "But you're underage," she said smugly.

            Artemis sighed.  "If we are pulled over, age will not matter.  Neither of us have any sort of driver's license."

            Holly smiled evilly.  "You might not, Mud Boy.  But _I_ do."  She reached into her purse, which camouflaged her LEP equipment, and withdrew a completely fake Irish driver's license.  "Now move over."

**Highway 231, Alabama**

            "What were you so worried about?" Holly asked Artemis as she weaved in and out of nonexistent cars.  Amazingly enough, at one o'clock in the morning, there was very little traffic on the highway.  Artemis reigned in a sigh and glanced over at the speedometer.

            "I'm quite sure that speed limit sign said fifty, not eighty," he said, tugging on his seatbelt.

            "What, are you scared, Fowl?" Holly asked, pushing the speed up a little faster.

            "Yes," he said unabashedly.  "I have no desire in ending up in a ditch somewhere, barely recognizable.  Besides the trauma my mother and father would go through."

            "Oh, come on," she said teasingly.  "I can control flying craft at speeds much fast than this."

            "Yes, but there's less interaction up there," he managed.

            She snorted and stopped suddenly.  He knew she was listening to Foaly and shook his head slightly, seeing her mouth move slightly.  He looked out and saw a golf course.  Completely empty, of course.  It was only there for a moment though, and then they were going up another overpass and—suddenly he saw something in the mirror.

            "Holly," he said, watching the car behind them with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

            "What?" she snapped.  Foaly must have said something.

            "Look behind you."

            Those passé words served their purpose, and Artemis had the slightest satisfaction from seeing Holly go pale.  "We can outrun him."

            A siren blared.  "No, we can't," he said.  "If I remember correctly, it's illegal to ignore the sirens.  He's telling you to slow down and pull over."

            "D'Arvit," Holly muttered, slamming on the brake and jerking Artemis against his seatbelt.  He thought he saw a small smile on her face as she pulled over to the side repair lane.

            The police car soon caught up to them and stopped behind them.  The officer, a youngish man of about thirty-five, stood over Holly.

            "Yes, Officer?" she said sweetly.

            "Are you aware, Miss," the officer said, not unkindly, "that you were going approximately thirty miles an hour over the speed limit?"

            "Was I?" she said, sounding worried.  "Oh, dear, I'm afraid I was concentrating on the road.  I guess I didn't notice.  I'm sorry."

            Artemis wanted to slap her.  "Yes, well, I'm still going to have to write you a ticket," the man said.  "You were going far too fast for just a warning.  Now, if I could just see your license?"

            "Oh, of course," she simpered, pulling it out of her purse and handing it to him.

            "Ireland, eh?" he said, checking her against the picture.  "You don't sound Irish."

            "I can," she lilted.  "But I've been in the States for a while."

            "Since 1986?" he asked.

            She blinked.  "Yes!  How did you—"

            The officer turned the card so she and Artemis could see it.  His stomach sank again.  "Well, this card was issued in December of 1985," he said.  "And it expired in 1989."

            Holly went pale.  "Um—I didn't—um—realize," she said lamely.

            "I'm afraid I'm going to have to take both of you in," the officer said.  "You're going to be on trial, Miss, but you can go after I check you," he told Artemis.  "Now, if you would both follow me?"

            "But the car!" Holly wailed.  "We rented it from the airport!"

            "Then, if you'll just hand me the key, I'll have the airport come pick it up."

            She sighed and opened the car door.  Artemis got out on his side and followed the officer as he opened the back door.  "In you go."

            "This is all _your_ fault, I hope you know," he hissed, sitting next to her on the ride there.  "The speed limit was clearly posted."

            "Shut _up_," she hissed back.  "Don't you have a plan?"

            "The plan did not involve us getting arrested!" he whispered furiously.  "Once they do a background check they'll hold me until Interpol shows up!  As for you, you'll be tried and put in jail!"

            He was angry, but much more than he should have been.  The emotion magnified itself without him trying.  "I cannot BELIEVE you!"

            "It's not like I was _trying_ to get arrested," she shot back.  "I was just trying to hurry.  Who knows what they've done to Butler!"

            He tried to find the words.  "They can do much more while we're stuck in jail!  Honestly!  Where did your brains go?"

            _Where did your brains go?_  Artemis was instantly offended by his mind's choice of words.  He could do _so_ much better than that.

            "Look, Fowl," she said in a harsh voice that trembled, "you can shut up.  I messed up, okay?  It happens."

            He looked at her was almost surprised hurt in her bright eyes, while her lower lip trembled.  His anger melted away and was replaced by shame, which made him equally ineloquent.

            "Look—Holly," he said softly.  "I—I'm sorry.  I just—I—"

            Where had the vocabulary gone?  It seemed to have spent the last few days playing hide-and-go-seek, and had disappeared again.  But she looked back at him, and his whole ability to speak evaporated.  His emotions had taken hold again, and he would have been irritated, had not his entire brain suddenly become occupied with the sparkle of tears in Holly's eyes.  They didn't fall, however; instead they made her eyes glisten whilst she tilted her head, considering him.

            "You know," she murmured, still studying him, "I think Foaly's right about you."

            But what exactly Foaly was right about, Artemis didn't find out, for at that moment they stopped at the police station and were herded out.  Holly was immediately taken to a cell, while Artemis gave the officer his name (his _real_ name, seeing as there was no point in lying).  The man ran a scan and gave a little snort, then looked back up at him.

            "Fifteen?  Irish?"

            "Yes," he said calmly.

            "Well, well, Fowl," he said, still looking surprised.  "It seems that some buddies of mine up in Washington would very much like to speak with you.  I'll put you with that girl until they get here."

            He was taken by another officer to a holding cell that was empty.  He looked around.  "Holly?"

            "I'm out here," came a hiss.  He went up to the bars and felt a touch on his arm.  "I'm going to try and get us out of here.  I—"

            There was a thump and Holly reappeared for a few seconds on the ground, obviously unconscious.  Then something covered her and she disappeared again.

            "Camouflage foil," came a syrupy voice near his ear.  He jerked as, for a brief second, the smiling face of Opal Koboi appeared outside the cell.  "Don't worry, Fowl," she continued, disappearing again.  "I'll be back for you.  But Holly was so much easier."  Another giggle, and then it went silent.            Artemis stared at the spot where Opal's face had appeared, his brain refusing to process what had happened.  But it had.  Holly was gone, leaving him, for the first time in his life, truly all alone.

A/N II:  I know, I know, you're sick of me talking, but I thought I'd warn you.  I've got a ton of school work coming up, and the only reason I got these three chapters up so quickly is because I already had them written.  I want to stay a couple of chapters ahead of where I'm posting, so it may be about a week before there's an update.  And, for all of you who ask, here's a review song:

_And the review box is a little old place where…you tell me what you thiiiink!_

_So leave me a revieeeeeeeeew! (In the review box, baby…)_

_Review box, the review box!_

_Review box, the review box!_

--"Harry Potter and the Prisoner of A Cabana" Chapter 8, by Silver Phoenix


	4. A Useless Chapter meant to fill up space...

A/N:  *Falls out of chair, laughing*  Oh, you guys, you guys!  I really had you with that T/H thing, didn't I?  Oh, boy.  That was funny.  (Glad you came back, Ever.  Had me worried there.)  Well, I won't do anything like that again for a couple chapters…let you fall into complacency…but I thank all of you for your reviews.  *plug plug plug* Check out black-knight-1988's story, it's got one of the best Mulches I've read at ff.net.

Kudos to slime frog for catching the plot hole in the last chapter that I totally missed—I'll fix that when I got through and rewrite the story (I used the _mesmer_ in this chapter just for you)—go read her A/H songfics, they're absolutely horrible.  :-)

You know, the great thing about writing a story with a genius in it is that you can have him know _exactly_ what to do from beginning to end.  The downside is when you write something crucial, like "let's got to the ___," and then you have to go clean the bathrooms, return to the story a week later, and find you can't figure out _why_ he said "let's go to the ___."  So, if this chapter isn't too good, it's because I was fighting writer's block and amnesia.

Disclaimer:  _Catch Me If You Can _belongs to someone other than me.  As for Arty, boy, he ain't mine.  Gurlfriend, he _definitely_ ain't mine.  My little sister needs to stop whining about the fact that I'm on the computer.  You need to read

Chapter 4

**A cell, somewhere south of Huntsville**

Holly awoke with a pounding in her head in a dimly lit room.  The first thing she noticed was that the floor was cement.  A further look at the room imparted that the whole room was cement, and that she had two roommates, a tall giant of a man and a lithe, younger blonde girl who was playing with something on the end of her ponytail holder while they both stared at her.

            "Butler!  Juliet!" she said in relief.  "You're all right!"

            Butler raised a polite eyebrow.  "I'm sorry, do we know you?"

            "I don't," Juliet said morosely, still studying the jade ring.

            Holly felt a flash of disappointment.  For a moment she waged a mental war with herself about whether or not to help them remember; the remembering side won, telling her professional side she was way out of her assignment parameters and the extra help would be good in the long run.

            "My name's Holly Short," she introduced herself, sitting up.  "I'm a Captain in the LEP, that is, the Lower Elements Police.  I'm an elf, and so is my boss, Commander Root.  A friend of mine is named Foaly, he's a centaur."

            They stared at her, and she saw a flash in their eyes as they processed something.  "You're not Holly," Juliet said suspiciously.  "Holly's only three feet tall."

            Holly groaned.  She'd forgotten about Foaly's Miracle Mud Maid concoction.  "I assure you I am Holly.  Foaly had an experiment for me to try and it hasn't…quite worn off.  Yet."

            Butler studied her.  "Tell me why I can't breathe properly."

            She released her breath.  Easy.  "During a healing after you had been shot right beneath the heart, a bit of Kevlar from your bulletproof vest was trapped among the fibers in your skin, therefore restricting your breathing."

            He shook her hand.  "It's good to see you again."

            "And remember me?" she said slyly, returning Juliet's hug.  "That's what your master said."

            "Artemis?  You've seen him?" Butler demanded.  "Where is he?"

            She bit her lip.  "Currently in a holding cell in Huntsville, Alabama.  I was going a little over the speed limit and we were brought in.  The last thing I remember was telling him I was going to get him out of there, and then I fainted."

            The bodyguard looked murderous.  "What's going on?" Juliet asked, trying to divert her brother's attention.

            "Opal Koboi's escaped from prison," Holly explained.  "Apparently she has plans for revenge that include Butler, Artemis, and me."

            "That's the woman who came to see us earlier," Juliet said.  "She was disappointed when we didn't remember her."

            "I'd imagine so.  Short, dark hair, mentally unstable?"

            "That's her," Butler confirmed.  "Of course, looking back, it's obvious.  But what about Artemis?"

            Obviously the guardian was not going to forget his charge.  "Actually, he'll probably be okay," Holly told him.  "The United States government is going to see him."

            "He's doomed," the Butler siblings chorused.  "If they get hold of him he'll end up in prison."

            "He told me he'd been going somewhere near straight recently," Holly said.

            "Oh, he has.  But he still has software that diverts funds from certain businesses to Princess Di's charities, and that's not something that endears him to the government," Juliet said.  "To put it mildly."

            Holly sighed.  "We'll just have to hold out that he'll weasel his way out of this one without any magic or advanced technology."

**Holding cell**

            Artemis sat in a meditative pose in the corner of his cell, trying to keep his anger and guilt under control more than trying to formulate a plan of escape.  Anger at being alone and practically helpless, and guilt at being unable to help Holly.  Loneliness, too, a wish for Holly's company, had him worried.  She was just a girl, for heaven's sake.  He could manage without her.

            Well…perhaps not now.  Right now it would be very useful to have a Neutrino 2000 or something equally strong and capable of blowing things to bits.  Blowing things to bits was not Artemis's specialty, but it would probably be more useful now than any of his other plans, which mostly involved things such as computers and other people.

            Edit that.  He was not practically helpless.  He would never be reduced to _that_ unhappy state unless he was robbed of his IQ, and that hadn't happened yet.  Although the recent influx of his hormones was threatening to drop the quotient level.

            He was back where he had started when someone arrived outside the cell and said, "Well, Mr. Fowl, you got lucky.  A friend of yours has arrived to bail you out."

            Artemis looked up to see the intruders.  The policeman looked like a regular policeman, but next to him was…

            "Mulch?" he said incredulously.

            "Mo.  Mo Digence, Fowl," said the dwarf, his face twisted into a leering grin.  "Now come on.  The limo's waiting."

            He waited for them to unlock his cell and followed the dwarf outside, still slightly stunned.  They hopped in the back of a waiting limousine which screeched out of the parking lot as soon as the door closed.

            "Now, Artemis," the dwarf said, curiosity now the reigning emotion on his face, "please tell me how you happened to remember who I am, considering the last time I saw you, you were about to have your memories of me edited out of your brain."

            Artemis sighed, suppressing a grin.  "Hello to you too, Mulch."

            The dwarf gave a modest bow as best as he could in the car.  "Yes, now, please explain to me how you remember me."

            "First you tell me how you knew where to find me," Artemis countered.

            The dwarf settled back into the plush seat.  "Well, I've been living quietly as a multimillionaire ever since my lawyer got me out of prison.  I donate to all the charities and I was dropping off a check for a large sum of money to the police station when the chief mentions he's holding a fifteen-year-old until the CIA get there.  Real strange, to see someone so young so important to the government.  Reminded him of _Catch Me If You Can_.  So I, thinking hey, maybe it's a joke, ask to see this prisoner.  And lo and behold, it's the very Artemis Fowl I'm supposed to go to and give this medallion."

            He offered the round disk, but Artemis shook his head.  "It's not a piece of gold; it's a CD.  I wear the real one."  He reached for the cord and pulled it out of his shirt, where he had worn it without knowing why for two years.  "You were supposed to bring me the CD, which has all of my files, my diary, everything concerning the People.  I would like to remove my diary, but beyond that it's—wait."  Belatedly it hit him.  "Can your driver take us to the airport?"

            Mulch pushed a button and the opaque screen behind the driver's seat slid out of sight.  "Airport, Jenkins."

            "Yes, sir," Jenkins said.  The screen slid back up.

"Jenkins?" Artemis asked.

            "It sounds good."  Mulch rummaged around underneath the seat and pulled out what appeared to be a can of worms.  "Now, tell me, why are we going to the airport?"

            "That's where my jet is.  It also happens to be where my laptop and some of Holly's equipment is."

            "Holly?  Holly Short?  She here?"  Mulch suddenly looked nervous.

            "No.  Opal Koboi kidnapped her."

            "Koboi's in prison."

            "Not anymore."  Artemis pinched the bridge of his nose.  "It's what they call a long story, full of loss and confusion and broken speed limits."

            Mulch studied him.  "And broken hearts?"

Artemis dropped his hand and glared at the dwarf, who smiled innocently (or as innocently as Mulch could smile).  "What are you attempting to suggest?"

            "Oh, nothing."  He still had that knowing smile.  Artemis sighed.

            "There have been no broken hearts," he said in a flat voice.  "Only speed limits."

            He wondered if he was lying to himself.

**A cell, somewhere south of Huntsville**

            Butler and Juliet had gone to sleep, at Holly's insisting.  She figured she had another hour until Juliet woke up to take over the watch.  Very quietly, she touched her throat, running her (well-manicured, pale pink) fingernail lightly over her Adam's apple.  Nope.  Microphone was gone.  Earpiece too.  And…she blinked furiously…iris camera gone.  But she still had her purse….

            Holly unzipped the top of the green handbag, reached in, and pulled out a contact lenses holder, containing two (2) contact lenses.  Smiling to herself, she inserted both of them and, after a series of complicated blinking patterns, managed to switch them to ion filter.  To her surprise, there weren't any cameras in the room.  She went through several other filters and still found nothing.  Well.  Opal apparently had a few holes.

            The outline of the door she could see clearly, a hairline of green under the infrared filter.  Looking back to her purse, she pulled out a spare earpiece and fitted it in her ear, covering it with a piece of memory latex to make it harder to see.  Finally she pulled out her spare microphone and put it on.

            "Testing," she breathed.  "Short to Foaly.  One, two, one, two.  Foaly?"

            "Holly?" an equally quiet voice came through (possibly a first for the centaur).  "Is that really you?"

            "No," she said.  "It's a talking stink worm.  The missing link between centaurs and microbes."

            The silence on the other end lasted for more than a minute.  Just as she was beginning to get worried, another voice came on.

            "Short?"

            Commander Root, speaking quietly?  "Foaly, has the Apocalypse come and gone and I missed it?"

            "Not amusing, Captain."

            "I can't say," Foaly whispered.  "Where are you?"

            "I'm…in a cell.  With the Butlers."

            "How'd you end up there?  We lost track of you at some point after you left the highway."

            "A police car pulled me over.  My driver's license apparently has been expired over ten years, so they took us to a station.  Opal Koboi knocked me out and took me away," she explained.  "I don't know where Fowl ended up."

**Haven**

            Root turned to Foaly, who shrugged.  "No tracer, remember?"

            The commander reached in his pocket for a cigar and lit it using one of Foaly's active screens.  He took a long puff, then removed it from his mouth and said, "Right.  Can you see any way of getting out of there?"

            "There's a door—I can only see it through infrared, through.  This place looks like a seamless box.  Are we above or below ground?"

            "Somewhere in between," Foaly answered.  "Um…hold on…"  He clacked a few keys and seconds later they were connected to one of her iris cams.  He adjusted it to scan the door, and after a long pause said, "There's no security on that door.  Absolutely nothing.  Beyond that, I can't say."

            "Well."  He could practically hear her thinking.  "I think we'll just be going, then."

            "See you on the other side.  Call me when you're out."

            "Got it."  Her voice changed.  "Juliet?  Juliet, wake up…"

            Root turned to the centaur, whose face was surprisingly bleak.  He covered the microphone and demanded, "What's wrong?"

            Foaly shook his head slowly.  "Opal may be insane, but she's not stupid.  I can't figure out _why she wouldn't put _something_ on the door.  That and the fact Fowl's in jail somewhere fails to make me a happy centaur."_

            "Right," Root said.  "About that not tracing Fowl thing…"

**Cell south of Huntsville**

            Juliet awoke, as did Butler, without much coaxing.  "What's up?" she asked.

            Holly couldn't help but grin.  "Found the door.  Opal forgot to take away my field kit."

            They nodded and followed her as she pushed against what appeared to be another blank expanse of wall.  Butler joined her effort and the door slid away to the left; they found themselves facing a plastic staircase, which led to up to a plastic door.  Shrugging, Holly climbed up and opened the door, then heaved herself out into the waiting night.  She estimated it had been about twenty-four hours since her capture.

            Butler and Juliet joined her.  "Where are we?"

            "Some place called Alabama," she answered.  It was then she noticed four Mud People staring at them, and realized how incredibly silly they must look: she in her evening gown, Butler in a formal suit, and Juliet wearing a loose but pragmatic shirt and pants.  Two of the others were Mud Boys and the others looked to be their parents; all stared with confusion on their faces.

            "What now?" Juliet whispered.

            "Who're you?" one Mud Boy asked.

            "I'm Holly," Holly answered, staring at them blankly.

            "What were y'all doing in our tornado shelter?" the Mud Man said.

            She blinked.  "That's a good question.  But that's enough questions."  She added the _mesmer to her voice.  "Now, you never saw us.  We were never here."  They stared at her blankly.  Good.  "Where are we?"_

            "Lacey's Spring," the Mud Woman answered.

            "How far away is Huntsville?"  
            "Across the river."

            "Thank you.  Barney says, go to sleep."

            Once they had all fallen to the ground and their snores swallowed by the chirping of cicadas and katydids, Juliet turned to Holly and said, "You just had to do that, didn't you?"

            Holly smiled.  "One of the perks of the job.  Come on, let's go find this river."

            Butler inhaled and coughed.  "Allergies.  You don't think they'd mind if we borrowed their car, do they?"

            Holly walked towards the house and discovered an old pickup truck sitting on the front lawn.  "Foaly," she said.  "Foaly, do you here me?"

            "Yes?  What does the escapee want?" came the reply.

            "Mark where I am on the map, and remind me to get these people a new car.  Say, a Z-3."

            "Gotcha, girlie."

            She gestured to the car.  "Butler?  Shall you drive?"

            He eyed the truck.  "Probably best."

**Lear Jet**

            "There's no equipment here!  There is no possible way she could have taken it all!" Artemis raged, searching through the compartments in a thoroughly undignified manner.

            Mulch watched in amusement.  "So, remind me who's after you?"

            "Opal Koboi," the teenager said through gritted teeth.

            "You think maybe she's been here?"

            Artemis stopped abruptly.  "Damn."

            "What was that?"

            He didn't reply, but pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling incredibly stupid.  His worry about Holly had become all-consuming and kept him from thinking properly.  His emotions had been subtle this time around, slowly filtering out all reason.  Of course Koboi would have searched the jet.  She probably was laughing at him this minute from an installed camera.

            "Well," he said, sitting down and opening his laptop, only to discover that someone had taken out the processor.  He shut it angrily and ran a hand through his hair.

            "Stressed, Fowl?"

            "Shut up," he said, not paying attention to his words.  "Let me _think."_

            He wasn't aware of Mulch's stare, but the dwarf's laughter vaguely registered in his reason vs. emotion war-torn brain.  "_What," he said dangerously, "is so funny?"_

            Mulch stopped laughing.  "I think, Fowl," he said carefully, "you might just be the tiniest bit smitten with one Captain Short."

            Artemis looked up, some sarcastic repartee ("I already know your feelings, thank you.") prepared, but instead what came out was, "Of _course_ I'm smitten with her!  As if it's not the most obvious thing in the world!  She's beautiful and smart and lost and it's my fault and I have to _find her_!"

            He slammed his laptop against the floor, blushed crimson on his face and up his ears and down his neck, and put his head in his hands, feeling utterly and completely lost and out of control.

            Mulch at least had the good grace to not laugh.  "Well, then," he said, as though discussing the weather.  "I suppose we'll have to find her."

            "Yes," Artemis said despondently.  Damn teenage angst.  _Damn_ teenage angst.

            "Although," Mulch said, "if you've fallen for a LEP officer, I suppose you've gone straight?"

            Artemis, still feeling miserable and embarrassed for bursting out in front of _Mulch, for crying out loud, nodded.  Then shook his head.  Then shrugged and went back to feeling sorry for himself._

            "I see."

            The angst-ridden, love struck, genius Irish teenager took a deep breath, squashed any and all emotion as best he could, and looked up.  "If you would please never discuss this conversation with Captain Short, or bring up my imprudent infatuation around her."

            "Got that."

            "Now, I believe we are going to return to the Fowl Manor, and from there I shall contact Foaly and Commander Root, read my diary, and formulate a new plan."

            "Must we call Root?"

            "He and Foaly can track down Holly.  And remember, we still don't know what Opal's exact plan is.  So, having the LEP on our side will be conducive towards getting them out of my life, again."

            "But if you like Holly, do you _really want to get them out of your life?"  Mulch caught Artemis's gaze and coughed.  "I suppose so.  To Ireland?"_

            "To Ireland," Artemis sighed.  "For better or for worse."

**Russell Cave, East of Huntsville**

            Unbeknownst to the American National Park Service, Russell Cave actually sat atop an entrance to the underground fairy city of New Haven.  There had been mass panic in the city when the place had been opened to spelunkers, but now that no one was allowed excepting the occasional archaeologist, security had become quite lax.  Lax as in allowing an escaped criminal wander around freely without having to worry about being capture.

            Opal Koboi did not take advantage of this freedom, preferring to stay in a one bedroom apartment jammed with computers and monitors and weapon prototypes.  And, of course, her hoverseat.  She ran a loving hand over the arm of the seat.  It was almost like being home.

            _Almost, she reminded herself as the doorbell rang.  There was a certain privacy you got when you owned a laboratory that you just couldn't get in an apartment.  Nudging the joystick, she flew out of the bedroom and into the living room/dining room plus kitchenette, where she pushed a button on the wall to open the door._

            Ah, the UPS.  Underground Packing Service.  The elf in brown cleared his throat and said, "Sign, please?"

            Opal flew over and signed her name with a flourish, knowing that the lazy American fairies wouldn't bother checking the name.  The elf himself looked to be rather young—probably too young to be legally driving—and bored.  He handed her the package and left; the door shut behind him.

            She flew back to the hi-tech bedroom, ripping open the package as she went.  A note fell on the floor; she picked it up.

_Dear Opal (it read),_

                        _I was quite pleased to learn you had escaped from prison.  As directed, I sent you _

_this package—I do__ hope you like it.  It's a prototype—not even the LEP has seen the _

_schematics for this puppy.  Ought to be quite useful._

_            All the best,_

_            Ruby,_

_Still Taller than You_

            She grinned, putting the note in her cupholder.  Ruby was one of the pixies who had secretly supplied the B'wa Kell with money for their rebellion; the two had been classmates together.  Neither trusted the other, but they shared a common goal of takeover and both knew that the other would assist them, even whilst plotting their competitor's downfall.  Opal sighed happily.  It was so nice to have friends.

            Going back to the package, she lifted out what looked to be a plastic balloon, accompanied by a control and a long list of instructions, which fell to the floor.  While Opal examined her new toy, the name of it glared up at her:  _Mud Poison¨._

**Bridge over the Tennessee River**

            Every few minutes the truck made a peculiar choking noise.  That coupled with Foaly's nervous grumblings in her ear ("You never should have got on that thing, there's no way it's safe…") were not making Holly a happy LEPrecon.

            "Foaly," she whispered.  She was sitting in the "bed" of the pickup truck while the Butlers were both inside; there simply hadn't been room for all three.  "Foaly, I get the picture.  Talk about something that maybe will take my mind off the fact that I'm riding in a moving death trap."

            She pulled lotion out of her purse and started applying it to her ears.  Heaven knew the stress would probably make them flake something awful.

            "Well…we could talk about Fowl," Foaly said.  "Root's gone."

            "_NO," Holly said, partially because she was sick of Foaly's teasing, partially because she suddenly realized she didn't know how _she_ felt._

            "Come on, Holly, he's less than a quarter of your age.  There's no danger there."

            "Danger?" she retorted.  "What exactly does _that mean?"  
            "Well…say, shall I tell you the latest antics of Grub Kelp?"_

            "You're changing the subject."

            "_You're the one who didn't want to talk about him in the first place," he countered.  "Anyway, Grub—"_

            "I don't want to hear about Grub," she snapped.  "Foaly, shall I review the situation?  I'm nearly two and a half feet taller than normal, I'm wearing a _dress, I've been arrested and taken to jail, I've inadvertently given Artemis Fowl the Second back his memories, I've met his parents and they think I'm his __girlfriend or something, and…right now, I think I could use some vegetables."_

            "You certainly sound like your metabolism is messed up," Foaly observed neutrally.  "Have you eaten at all in the past seventy-two hours?"

            "Once or twice, maybe," she answered.  "I ate on the jet.  Ar—Fowl had some vegetables—organically grown on the manor.  Nothing to worry about there."  She rubbed her forehead.  "I'm _tired," she admitted.  "I slept a little on the plane, but I'm __tired, and I'm not sure why."_

            "You've also been kidnapped and you know that you have a deranged criminal mastermind after you."

            "Gee," she said, "that makes me feel _so_ much better."

            "I'm just saying, you're under a lot of stress.  I'd be stressed if I looked like a human."

            "It's _your_ fault I look like this."

            "Eh, I don't think Fowl minds.  Makes it easier to look at you."

            "Shut _up_."  Irritated, she pulled the earpiece out of her ear, taking the memory latex with it.  If Fowl was an infatuated teenager, that was _his _problem.  She had a job to do.

A/N II:  *Ducks head with shame*  A short chapter and a lame ending, all in one.  Sorry, you guys!

To the tune of "Your Song" And you should leave a review 'cause I "wrote" this song It's embarrassingly simple but 

_Now that I'm done_

_I hope you'll review,_

_I hope you'll review_

_And there put down in words_

How wonderful you think I am now that my story's in the world 

I'll have you know I did that myself.  In case you couldn't tell.

¨Now, if you would please note, _Mud Poison_ is a pathetic name for an evil superweapon.  I mean, this goes beyond pathetic.  But I've got writer's block, and I'm trying to get this up for you, so if someone would very kindly come up with something appropriate for a weapon that kills people, I would be much appreciative.  And you'll get a dedication.  And…cheese *borrows snake-eyes's cheese*  Um…and maybe a mention in my story (I'll name a town after you, how's that?  :-) ).  It's bad that I read so much science-fiction and can't come up with decent names for anything.  Boy, I feel stupid.


	5. Apology to all my fans, then surprising ...

A/N:  *hangs head in shame*  I'm SORRY!!!!  I am _so_ sorry I haven't updated.  This was supposed to be up Sunday night, but then my dad wouldn't let me get on, and I've been too busy!  I know, I know, you're not interested in excuses, but I want you to know I DID think about you guys and the agony you have to be going through.  :-)

50 reviews!!  Yeah!!  You guys are waaaaaaay too nice to me, but hey, I'll take it as it comes.  Although you guys have this idea that I've got some sort of _plot_ going on here.  *looks around*  Plot?  Really?  Gee, I wish I could see it…well, I'll find it one of these days.  I'm getting towards one, I really am!  I think.  Oh, I just posted a Harry Potter ficlet I wrote before OotP came out…go read it…and I've got another I'm working on as a sporadically updated fluff…read it too….  Um…I can't say anything else here, without ruining the chapter, so…go ahead and read it.

Disclaimer:  Still not mine.  :-(  But one of these days…anyone, onto

Chapter 5

**Huntsville International Airport**

            "He LEFT!" Holly exclaimed as they walked through the private hangers.  "The jet's _gone_!"

            "Maybe he thought he knew where we were," Juliet offered appeasingly, though she also looked worried.

            "I'm sure he had something in mind when he left," Butler said.  "He didn't know where you had gone, after all."

            "But you two—he was quite worried about _you_.  I can't believe he would take off, knowing where _you_ were."  Holly sat down on a crate and ran a hand through her hair, which was longer than she was used to and was rather annoying, tickling her eartips.  "And I want to be three feet tall again.  But before that, I want to get _out of this dress_."

            They had been searching for Artemis for a few hours.  As soon as they had entered Huntsville, they had gone to the police station, only to be informed that a police benefactor known as "Mo Digence" had taken the teenager with him (much to the dismay of the two CIA agents at the station).  From there they had decided to go to the residence of this Mr. Digence, only to discover he lived in California.  So, as a last resort, they tried the airport.  That, too, had turned up blank.  
            "Now, Holly," Foaly said in her ear, "calm down and think.  Maybe Artemis didn't take the jet."

            "What, are you suggesting Opal Koboi took it?" she snapped.  The Butler siblings twisted their heads to look at her, then realized she was speaking to Foaly and resumed their examination of the hanger.

            "It's entirely possible," the centaur said calmly.  "She was probably able to find it.  And for all we know, this Mo Digence character is on her pay list.  I mean, there's no telling where the boy is."

            "He's fifteen," Holly pointed out.  "I wouldn't call him a boy anymore."

            "Teenager, then," Root cut in.  Holly guessed he had heard Foaly mention their lack of knowledge concerning Artemis's whereabouts and had come in to badger the centaur.  "Anyway, I would suggest you take the Butlers back to Ireland, and continue pursuing Koboi from there."

            "Wouldn't it be more useful to have them around, sir?" she argued quietly.  "We know Opal's got a larger operation than expected, and their experience would be invaluable.  Butler might not be too physical anymore, but he has a wealth of knowledge.  Juliet can handle the physical area."

            "Captain," Root said, "if you would please recall that they're not supposed to know about any of this anyway.  Just take them back to Ireland.  With any luck, they'll stay there."

            "Are you suggesting we not rewipe their minds?"

            "First of all, we don't know what that might do to their psychology," Foaly cut in.

            "Secondly, I have no desire to go before the Council and inform them that, due to chance, Fowl regained his memory," Root continued.  "They find out you were there, and your career's gone, Short."

            "Point," she acknowledged.  "But—"

            "What's the debate?" Juliet asked, coming to sit on a crate next to the elf.

            "Commander Root's trying to decide what we should do with you and your brother," Holly told her.

            "Short, I told you—"

            "We'll help you with whatever you need," Juliet said, frowning slightly.  "I would think Root would know that."

            "That's what I said," Holly said, putting an edge into her voice.  "But the current thought is that maybe we should just leave in you Ireland and get your word that you'll leave the fairies alone.  By all accounts, you shouldn't understand any of this, anyway."

            Butler came over.  "Have they called the manor yet?"

            "What?" asked Holly and, although he couldn't hear, Root and Foaly.

            The giant manservant shrugged.  "I believe that, should he be away from the manor for a long time or planning such, Artemis would call his parents.  He hates for them to worry, although he doesn't like to show it.  He's…well, to put it into his terms, 'very attached' to his parents."

            "You know, I think that's the most emotional I've ever heard Fowl," Root commented to Holly.

            Holly thought back to when Butler had been shot, and more recently, to Fowl's outbreak on the Lear jet.  "He has moments, every now and then."

            "You would know," Foaly said quietly.

            "SHUT _UP!"_

            "What's that about?" Root demanded.

            "Holly?" Juliet asked.

            The elf smiled tightly.  "Foaly has…certain…_delusions…that he sometimes feels the need to vent on me."_

            "If I wasn't telling the truth, you wouldn't react so violently," the centaur pointed out.  Holly started taking deep breaths through her nose.

            "_Back to the subject of Fowl's parents," she said firmly, drowning out Root's demanding voice, "I think Butler's onto something.  Can you hook something up, Foaly, to where we can talk to them, too?"_

            "Of course!  Just hold on a second…"  The usual clacking of keys, then, "All right, we're through.  They just have to pick up…let's see…"

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

            Artemis and Mulch caught a cab from the Lear's hanger back to the manor.  They trip was quiet, with Artemis attempting to control his raging emotions and puzzle out how he felt; meanwhile, Mulch seemed to catch on that he wasn't interested in communicating with the outside world and spent the ride counting a stack of hundred dollar bills.

            "Now," Artemis said, as they went around the house to the kitchen door, "please remember that I have no desire to discuss any feelings I might have in the area of romance in general."

            "Gotcha," Mulch said obediently.

            "You're a friend of Holly's whom we met in America.  The two of you switched out."

            "Got that too."

            "If Mother or Father ask any questions, defer to me.  If I thought you were capable of acting mute I would order you so.  As it is, try to speak as little as possible."

            Mulch nodded, and while Artemis nodded as well, he couldn't help but worry about that mischievous glint in the dwarf's eyes.  In the kitchen Artemis retrieved an organically grown carrot for Mulch and a bar of chocolate for himself.  While he usually strayed away from sweets, preferring balanced, healthy meals, chocolate had a soothing quality that he appreciated very much at the moment.  He pulled back the wrapping and took a thoughtful bite, trying to organize his brain enough for him to act naturally in front of his parents.  As naturally as they expected, anyway.

            Artemis and Angeline Fowl were in the study, relaxing on the plush leather couch and sipping from martini glasses while watching _Four Weddings and a Funeral_.  It was a movie they had insisted Artemis II wasn't old enough to watch, and he wasn't interested in R-rated romantic comedies anyway.

            "Oh, Arty, darling," Angeline said, smiling at him when he came in.  "Right on time.  Someone's on the computer for you."

            Artemis was glad he had called ahead to explain.  He circled his father's desk and moved the mouse as he sat in the chair.  What he saw was not what he had been expecting see.

            "_Finally," Commander Root said._

            Mulch darted behind the chair and crouched down by the wheels.  Artemis ignored him and said, "Commander Root.  What do you want?"

            "We found him!" Foaly's voice said, not speaking to Artemis but to…

            "All right, Butler, you were right," Holly said.

            Artemis couldn't see her, but he recognized his feelings of elation and relief at hearing her voice.  He quelled most of it (although he let the relief stay, figuring it was only natural), but her name escaped his lips.  "Holly!  You're all right!"

            Mulch sniggered from the floor.  Artemis absently aimed a kick in his direction.

            "Yes, Artemis, I'm all right," she said.  "And you'll be glad to know the Butlers are, too."

            "Butler?  Juliet?" he said.

            "Artemis!" Juliet answered happily.

            Butler's deep voice was faint, as though traveling through two sets of microphones and speakers.  "You're out of jail, then?"

            "Yes," Artemis said.  "Please keep your voices quiet.  My parents are in the room.  I take it you both remember?"

            "Everything," Juliet said.  "Oh, I can't wait to see fairy wrestling."

            "I have dwarf fat in my face.   Mulch Diggums's fat, from a region of his anatomy I'd rather not discuss," Butler added.  "So yes, I remember everything."

            This comment made Mulch snicker and sniff in indignation at the same time, producing what sounded possibly like a mouse choking.  "What was that?" Root demanded.

            Artemis didn't bother with the age-old throat-clearing excuse.  "It sounded like a mouse was choking.  Is Foaly all right?"

            "Hey!" the centaur said.  Artemis could hear Holly laughing over the speaker and willed himself to stay calm.

            "Yes, yes, this reunion has been very touching and all," Root interrupted, "and now that we know Fowl is alive, Short can take the Butlers to Ireland.  We'll get their word that they'll leave us alone, the Council never finds out about this, and Holly can go back to chasing Koboi."

            Artemis raised his eyebrow.  "Funny, Commander, but I didn't hear the words 'mind wipe' in that at all."

            "If we had to request another mind wipe, the Council would discover you had regained your memory, and it wouldn't go down well at all," the Commander said, looking as though each and every word would kill him.

            "That, and Holly's career would be ruined," Foaly added, as though suggesting another incentive.  Artemis assumed the best puzzled look he had (it was rarely employed, so he doubted if its effects were conveyed properly), though inwardly he froze.  Was he really _that_ obvious, if Foaly had figured it out?

            From the floor, Mulch was inhaling and exhaling rather quickly.  "Foaly," Holly said, her heavily annoyed tone carrying through.  Artemis had another panic attack. "That's enough."

            A real snicker escaped Mulch at her words.  Artemis rolled backwards in his chair.  "OW!  That was my _toe_!"

            "What was that, Fowl?" Root demanded, his face suddenly pinching and brightening.  "That sounded suspiciously like…"

            "It's Mulch Diggums, Commander," Artemis said, a vicious smile on his face.  Take _that_, thought a highly unsophisticated part of his brain.

            "The convict?" Foaly's voice said.

            Mulch stood up precariously on one leg, the other clutched in his hands, and looked at the screen in what Artemis assumed to be a dignified manner.  "I am not a _convict_ anymore, Foaly, and I would kindly ask you to remember that."

            Something that sounded like a horse snorting came through.  "You'll _always be a convict," Root said.  "No matter what your lawyer says."_

            "I haven't done anything illegal in…" Mulch looked up, appearing to think.  "Well, it's been so long since I've done something I can't remember."

            "You always did have a short attention span," Holly broke in.  "Perhaps we should adjourn this meeting until I bring the Butlers back to Ireland.  We can decide what to do then."

            "Here?" Artemis said before he could control his panic attack.

            Root eyed him.  "Yes, Fowl.  Your manor.  Unless you have another place in mind?"

            The teenager couldn't think up anything that wasn't woefully inadequate to reply.  "All right.  Tomorrow night, eight o'clock?"

            "Agreed," said Root, who then turned away from the screen.  "Now how do you shut this thing down?"

            "Sever the connection," Foaly said, a hairy arm appearing on the screen.

            "You techs—" Root started as the connection ended and Windows reappeared on the screen.  Artemis leaned forward, pushed the button to turn off the screen, and collapsed back into his chair, rubbing his face.  Mulch sat down on the floor, rubbing the offended toe.

            "Nervous, Artemis?" he asked.

            Artemis didn't answer.   He didn't want to answer.

**Haven**

            Ruby Ohmson was not a happy pixie.  Apparently, the Fowl heir had lost all interest in her illegal soap company (which used blubber from illegal whale poaching) in favor of her former classmate Opal Koboi.  She snorted.  Honestly.  Although, she wasn't surprised; from what she knew of the boy, he valued his life above the lives of whales.  She didn't blame him, considering she shared his sentiments.  But still.  If he didn't come after her, she wouldn't have an excuse to kill him.  And that would ruin all her fun.

            Ruby Ohmson's official profession was that of interior decorator who did some inventing on the side.  Her hobby was ruining other people's ambitions.  She loved nothing more than to steal someone's schematics, build a functional model, and be the first to call in for a patent.  The look of the true inventor's face was just priceless (she knew, because she had pictures of all her victims hanging in her bedroom).  And while she was quite willing to help Opal Koboi plot revenge against the Mud Men, she planned upon killing Fowl herself.  The look on old Opal's face….  She sighed happily, imagining the scene for a few precious seconds.

            Then she went back to work.  Currently she was trying to make a model of the _Mud Poison_ that actually worked; she had sent Opal her last failed prototype.  It was very difficult; she had hacked into the LEP's database no less than seven times, trying to locate the specific technologies she would need.  When Koboi Laboratories had gone bankrupt and been forced to sell all its patents, she had bought those, too.  Opal was currently in possession of two of them, out of the kindness of Ruby's heart.

            It was nearly two o'clock in the afternoon, and Ruby had an appointment for eight o'clock that night.  She really needed to get some sleep.  But…she tapped her red fingernails on the desk, staring at a report of some centaur's (Colt, maybe?  Or Calfy—yes, that was it, Calfy—pitiful name for a technological genius, really) and trying to figure out how the LEP could approve anything of the centaur's when they obviously couldn't understand any more of the report than she could.  What on earth was a _Dell_?  And what were the obscure references to _Tech TV and the BBC?_

            Her Mud Man cell phone beeped (she had bought one to avoid questions about why Mud Men would be calling her regular phone), interrupting her thoughts.  "Ruby Ohmson speaking," she said.

            "Miss Ohmson?" came a thick Russian voice.

            "Ah, Nicholas," she said.  "I assume you have a report?"

            "The police came by here again, asking to see our permits," he said nervously.  She knew exactly what he was thinking: she had tired of him and tipped off the police herself.

            "Don't worry, Nicholas.  I assure you, those permits will never expire.  Now, tell me, does the new targeting system work?"

            "Like a dream," he answered, and for five minutes babbled on about how wonderful the targeting system was.  Ruby suppressed a sigh; that sort of technology was used in fairy children water guns.

            "Well, I'm very happy for you, but this isn't a secure connection," she interrupted when he paused for breath.  "Now, remember, if anyone named _Fowl_ approaches you, call me immediately.  And remind me to give you a pay raise."

            "Yes, ma'am," he said enthusiastically, right before hanging up.  Ruby closed her phone and rubbed her forehead; dealing with ignorant Mud Men gave her a headache.  But that would soon be over, she consoled herself.  The sooner she finished work on the _Mud Poison_, the better.

            With that thought in mind, she returned to her schematics.

**Fowl Manor**

            To Holly's surprise, Artemis greeted both Butler and Juliet with a hug, as did the elder Fowls.  Angeline also greeted Holly with a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek.  It had been four days, and the Mud Maid potion was still in effect, so there were no awkward comments about her height.

            "Really quite pleased to see you again, Miss Holly," Artemis Fowl I said with a bit of a wink.  "Of course, Artemis brings home strange people all the time, but I must say, you remain the prettiest."

            "Yes, our latest house guest is not the most attractive," Angeline said.  "But that's enough, Timmy, leave Arty some space."

            She gave one final, shaking-her-head-and-smiling look at her son and started for the kitchen, soon joined by her husband.  "Your parents are nice," Holly commented.  "Nicer than my mother, anyway."

            "What's she like?" Artemis asked, looking genuinely interested.

            Holly shrugged.  "Before Dad died, she was a little overbearing, but when he was gone she jumped all over my case.  Practically disowned me over joining the LEP, and the fact that I'm still there and not 'properly settled down' is a big bone of contention."

            "That has to suck," Juliet said.  "So, what's the plan, Arty?"

            He cocked an eyebrow and shrugged.  "I didn't really have one."  
            "What?" Holly gasped, pressing a hand to her heart.  "What was that?  No evil schemes to take over Haven?"

            He blinked at her, his face completely neutral.  "Nothing _evil_."

            "Legal?"  Now Holly pretended to faint.  "Don't tell me you've gone _straight_!"

            "Actually, he has," said a glum voice from below her, while Artemis gave her a glare without any real force behind it.

            "Diggums!" Holly cried, surprised to find a bit of real delight inside her at meeting the kleptomaniac.  "You know, between you being released and Artemis's amnesia, life at the LEP just hasn't been the same."

            "You mean you've had nothing but deskwork and the occasional rouge goblin to deal with," the dwarf said, pretending to wipe away a tear.  "It's so nice to be needed."

            "Smelly!" Juliet said.  "I'll give you a hug."

            "Please, don't," Butler and Mulch said at the same time.

            Artemis cleared his throat.  "Sitting room, I think?"

            "That'll do," Holly said, falling into step next to him.  "We'll leave Juliet and the convict to their little romantic meeting."

            "_Absolutely_ not!" Butler said flatly, following, joined by the remaining two.

            "Ew!" the two romantic subjects in question exclaimed.  "Oh, gross," Juliet added.  "Really.  Sick.  That was low, Holly."

            "Actually," Mulch said, as though discussing the weather, "speaking of romance—"

            Artemis stopped and turned around so quickly Holly's hair ruffled.  "What about it?" he asked in a tight voice, eyes promising murder.

            "I was simply going to ask if Butler had anyone in his life," Mulch said, his face the dwarven picture of innocence, which was to say, he was undeniably guilty of _something_.

            In the interest of relaxing, Holly had removed her microphone, iris cam, and earpiece, so there were no snide remarks from Foaly.  She watched Artemis visibly relax, while Butler shot the boy an inquisitive look and said, "I might be unable to protect Artemis as well as before, but that doesn't mean I've had time to go girlfriend hunting.  Nothing going on there."

            "So, Artemis, ready to tell me about your secret girlfriend?" Juliet teased as they entered the sitting room and sat down.

            He sighed.  "I do _not_ have a secret girlfriend."

            Holly purposefully sat next to him on the loveseat before Juliet could.  "That would be so cute," she said, crossing her legs and leaning back, sitting closer to the middle.

            "Right."  Artemis's voice cracked halfway through the word; he cleared his throat, now looking annoyed, but not enough to distract her from the red on his neck.  Mulch began a hacking cough, leaning over to hide his expression from the others.  The Irish teenager glared at him.

            "I can see it now," Holly continued.  "'Oh, Jessica,'" she said in a deep voice, "'you're so beautiful.  I have a gift for you.

            "'Oh, Arty-smarty, you shouldn't have,'" she continued in a high-pitched voice.  Then deep again, "'But Jessica, I had to.  And so, I'd like to give to you the Lower Elements, which I have just conquered, and name it after you.'"

            Juliet giggled.  Once Artemis had stopped laughing enough to speak he said, "Only her name wouldn't be Jessica.  I abhor that name.  It's too flowery, no substance to it."

            "What name would it be?" Holly asked, a small smile on her face as she watched his nervous face.

            He shrugged, performing admirably well under the circumstances.  "I'll jump that hurdle when I reach it, Captain."

            "Well, what sort of names _do_ you like?" she asked again, looking up at him with a pleading smile on her face, silently thanking her old schoolmate Flira Tacious for teaching her to flirt.

            He cleared his throat, not really looking at her.  "I don't know.  Juliet is a nice name, I suppose.  Andrea—I suppose I prefer names that start with 'a,' for obvious reasons."  Suddenly he sent her a suspicious look.  "Why do you care?"

            She rolled her eyes innocently, her lips pressed in a slight smile, as she sighed slightly and looked aside.  "Oh, I don't know."

            While looking across the room she discovered Mulch was huddled underneath his chair, rocking with what she assumed to be silent laughter; Butler wasn't looking in their direction at all; Juliet was biting at her lip and looking away, a huge smile on her face.  She looked back to Artemis, who was taking the opportunity to study her with his head cocked.

            "You're still tall," he observed.

            "I know," she said.  "Wait.  Stand up."

            He obeyed and she followed.  "What?"

            "I want to figure out how tall I am," she said, tilting her head slightly to look up at him, finding herself caught in his face and thinking it was a nice face when it showed emotion.  She shook herself mentally; she certainly couldn't start thinking like _that_, gracious.  "How tall are you?"

            "About five foot seven, I suppose," he said, looking down at her, his face completely emotionless and not nearly as attractive, making it easier for her to concentrate.  "I think you're about five four, perhaps."

            "Oh," she said, racking her brain for ideas, well aware of his burning stare but not meeting it, suddenly almost intimidated.  "Well, I—"

            She stepped forward and _somehow—when remembering the incident, she couldn't figure it out—tripped and fell into Artemis, knocking him down to land heavily on the loveseat.  There was an "oof" as the wind went out of him, as his arms automatically went around her.  Her face buried in his chest, dress tangled around her legs which were limp atop his, she felt herself turn red._

            "Excuse me," Butler, Juliet, and Mulch all said at once.  The door slammed shut behind them.

            Holly became acutely aware of the tenseness of Artemis's body, how his shirt was just barely damp, like he had been sweating, how he smelled nice—whatever cologne he had put on was _very appealing.  The weight of his arms around her was comfortable on her mid-back, and his breath was coming in shallow gasps.  At the same time, she realized how very _contented_ she was; how being in his arms, practically on top of him, was not as bad as one might expect.  She felt betrayed by her emotions._

            "Holly."  Artemis's voice was a hoarse whisper, as though he didn't trust himself to be any louder.

            "I—I'm a little stuck," she said, taking a deep breath, again inhaling whatever he had on.  "What are you wearing?"

            "What?" he asked.

            She lifted her head and rested her chin gently on his stomach, staring up at him.  "You smell good," she explained.  "Did you put something on?"

            Amazement crossed his face.  "I found something in my father's bathroom," he admitted.  "You can tell?"  
            "Mh-hm."  She breathed in again.  "It smells _really good.  Did you—" she hesitated; suddenly his emotions didn't seem so silly, it wasn't a big joke "—did you put it on for me?"  
            "Maybe," he said, now giving her this gentle look, almost smiling, looking far older than fifteen—but in a good way, for a change.  "Do you care?"_

            She found herself fascinated by his gaze, which revealed nothing and challenged and intrigued her more than it should have.  A dim part of her woke up and wondered if this was a compromising situation.  "Maybe," she breathed; suddenly embarrassed, she buried her face in his stomach again, then realized how _that would look.  But he was so warm and comforting….  Looking up, she swore, "Damn it, Artemis, I'm an LEP officer!"_

            "I know," he said, almost sighing.  "Don't think it hasn't occurred to me.  But I have an excuse, Holly…I'm a teenager."

            "I don't have an excuse," she murmured, losing herself in blue eyes that wanted to hold her.  "D'arvit."

            His arms suddenly left her, and she slid ever so slightly down his knee, but then his hands returned, helping her back onto the loveseat, eyes never leaving her face.  Once she was sitting next to him, he reached out a hand and lightly brushed her face.

            Still warm from lying against him, Holly felt herself blush again, and realized he was blushing just as much, and then his hands were cupping her face and his lips were brushing against hers, lightly, then harder…she closed her eyes, and they lingered in contact…but then he pulled away.  When she opened her eyes, his face was blank.

            "I expect they're all out in the hall, laughing," Artemis said calmly, back to being the genius.  "We've been in here too long without you running out, looking indignant and complaining about how I'm trying to rape you or some nonsense."

            She grinned in spite of herself, catching on.  "Oh, yes, they're bound to be suspicious."  Carefully she took a deep breath and stood up, straight.  "Are you going to come after me, apologizing and insisting I'm being a fool?"

            He looked up at her.  "I don't think my knees would hold me," he said, a slight smile on his face.  She knew that was all the admission she'd receive from him that maybe, just maybe, the events of the past few minutes had meant something.  At least for now, at least until they were alone again in unsuspicious circumstances.

            "All right, then," she said.  "I'll see you in a few minutes, Artemis.  I'm going to ask Juliet to find me some new clothes."

            "It's a pretty dress," he offered.  "And, Holly…call me Arty."

            She smiled slightly.  "All right, Arty."

            He closed his eyes, smiling slightly, and she left, suddenly unsure as to what had just happened, confused about what her feelings were, wondering what she would do if she ever admitted to them.

            Outside, Juliet and Mulch were bent over, sniggering, while Butler smiled featurelessly.  "Oh," Juliet said to Holly, "you are _bad!"_

            "I know," Holly said with a guilty grin.  Louder, she added, "But you know teenage boys, always trying to rape every girl they meet—"

            "I was _not trying to rape you!" came Artemis's insistent retort._

            "Whatever, _Arty," she said, saying the word in a voice intending to be mocking, knowing he would understand.  Turning to Juliet, she said, "Do you possibly have any suitable clothes I could borrow?  This is dress is getting to be too much."_

            "Oh, sure," Juliet said.  "Come with me, little elf, and I will introduce you to the wonderful world of bodyguard clothes."

            Sending a sly look to Holly, she added, "So…nothing happened, right?"

            Holly rolled her eyes.  "_No."  __Liar, liar, pants on fire._

A/N II:  *hangs head*  You know, I wasn't planning on any serious romance until later in the story…like around chapter ten, at the least.  But _then_ I read Amelia Atwater-Rhode's new book, _Hawksong_, (which I recommend for anyone who loves a good love story with a real plot) and watched _Sense and Sensibility_ (Alan Rickman…*sigh*) all in the same night.  Well…let's just say I needed to vent my overly full romantic brain _somewhere_.  So that's why this chapter is so…mushy.  And I cut it off here because I had to have Butler talk to Artemis, and that would bleed over into the eight o'clock meeting, and then it would get waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long…so I should be updating on Saturday or Sunday, then.

*to the tune of Marc Cohn's "Silver Thunderbird"*

_I could hear him sayin: _

_Don't you give me no flames_

_Guys, you must take my word _

_If there's a God in heaven _

_He wants your nice review words_

_You can keep your old insults_

_And the Mary Sues absurd _

_Me I wanna have now_

_Your nice review words_

*apologizes to Marc Cohn*


	6. IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S STILL ROMANCE...

A/N:  *watches as week flies by* Okay, so I lied.  I was out of town Saturday and Sunday, and then I was grounded on Monday, and so it took two days to write this chapter.  But hey, it's here.  So I present you with a longer chapter writer's-block rambling (I really, really, reeeelly hope).  I read your reviews, which contained varied responses to the introduction of romance *casts Vanishing Charm on Black-knight's vomit* and I would just like to point out that hey, this _is *clears throat and points of genre* a romance.  *begins next segment, freezes when she realizes her sister is playing __Sugar Beats, runs and shuts the abomination of "Lean On Me," stops talking like a Yuuzhan Vong, and returns to mystified readers*  That being said (see sentence previous), I decided to leave this chapter as it was when I first wrote it, but I will assure you that the plot will continue to move, too, and the romance shouldn't be __too overly consuming.  I hope.  :-)_

Disclaimer: t'ain't mine, professor, I swear it!

Chapter 6

**Fowl Manor**

            Butler returned to the sitting room where Artemis still sat.  Mulch opted not to follow, claiming hunger.  He found his charge sitting on the couch with a puzzled look on his face.

            "Butler," Artemis began without preamble, "have you ever been in love?"

            Butler started.  "What makes you ask that?" he asked cautiously.

            "Please, answer my question.  I'll answer yours momentarily."

            "All right."  He peered at the teenager.  "Are you all right?  You looked slightly flushed."  That really wasn't saying much, considering Artemis's usual skin color, but there was something different….

            "The question, Butler."

            "Yes," Butler said.  "Are you all right?"

            "I'm fine."  Artemis smiled briefly.  "Quite fine.  What was her name?"

            "Efrata.  I met her while training in Israel.  She lived in Jerusalem.  Once a year, Madame Ko allowed us to venture into the city.  I met her in the market.  She sold cloth."

            Artemis nodded.  "'Distinguished, honored.'  Nice name.  What happened?"

            Butler frowned.  "She was a Jewish market girl and I was a world-class bodyguard.  I visited her during the summer, and we had fun—she was a remarkable girl—but we both knew nothing would happen.  After I received my blue diamond, I returned as often as I could—then, of course, you were born, and I had to come to Ireland."

            "Does that upset you?"

            Shrugging, he countered, "Why do you ask?"  He hadn't thought of Efrata in _years._

            "I was wondering," Artemis said, "if it was possible for people such as you—a world class bodyguard—and I—a criminal genius—to fall in love.  I suppose it is."

            "This doesn't have to do with Holly, does it?"

            The vampire smile started to rise, but softened and turned into a genuine look Butler had never seen on the boy's face.  "It might," he said.

            "Well, please try to remember that you're only fifteen.  You have three years before you need to start worrying about marriage."

            Artemis started.  "Marriage?  Butler, please remember she is eighty years old _and a fairy.  I doubt it will come to that."_

            He reined in a sigh.  "Artemis, you think in adult terms, you are more mature than most adults, and therefore it stands to reason that you would view a relationship in an adult way—that is, in terms of looking for a suitable companion.  It reassures me, what you just said, but please—be careful.  I would hate to have to protect you against Root and Holly's mother."

            "I understand," Artemis said.  "Don't worry.  It's just a harmless infatuation."

***

            Holly and Juliet went down to dinner in almost matching jumpsuits (Holly's was green while Juliet's was blue), giggling and comparing nail polish colors.  It was all a part of Holly's sudden interest in feminism, which Juliet supported if not understood.  Artemis watched them come down the stairs along with Mulch, while Butler continued to put the finishing touches on Mulch's…sandwich.

            "Lovely, ladies, really lovely, or at least I would think so if you weren't two feet taller than me," Mulch said, bowing to each one.  Artemis settled on a simple nod and offered Juliet his arm, smirking at Holly's raised eyebrows.

            "Pray tell," Juliet said, "what hath my dearest brother prepared for us to dine upon?"

            "End-of-sentence preposition."  Artemis sighed.  "That's incorrect, Juliet."

            "What's for dinner?" she repeated.

            "Sandwiches.  And caviar."

            "How can you stand to eat that stuff?" Holly said, shuddering and ignoring Mulch's half-hearted outstretched arm.  "You're destroying the fish population."

            "Funny," Artemis said, "it's rather slimy.  Sounds like something you'd eat."

            "Just because Foaly eats beetle juice doesn't mean I do," she snapped as the entered the kitchen, where Butler had set the "table" on the island in the middle.  Holly hopped onto her stool which, Artemis noted, was directly across from his.  He lifted an eyebrow at Butler, who returned it with a blank stare.  You just couldn't beat his poker face.

            "So," Mulch said, "why are we talking to Root again tonight?"

            "Because we still have to deal with dearest Opal Koboi," Holly said.  "And Root doesn't want Fowl and the Butlers involved, and I do."

            "And why is that?"

            "Because she's after Artemis and Butler, and all three of them together make a rather formidable team."

            "And you think Artemis has pretty eyes," Butler said very, very quietly.

            Artemis retaliated before Holly had a chance to close her mouth, attempting the very childish revenge of kicking the offender before his brain caught up and berated him for doing something so stupid.  Especially when he connected with Holly's shin instead of Butler's knee.

            "Ow!"

            "What'd you _say, Dom?" asked Juliet, who was sitting at the other end of the island.  Mulch, who squeezed in next to Artemis, had heard and was laughing into his sandwich._

            "Sorry," Artemis apologized.  "I was—um."

            Holly reached across the table, grabbed him by the collar, and hoisted him up, meeting him halfway across the table, hazel eyes staring him down challengingly.  "You were what?"

            Throat suddenly dry, Artemis said faintly, "_What_ are you doing?"

            "That's what _I_ asked _you_.  Answer me, Fowl!"

            Juliet giggled.  "I was aiming for Butler.  I apologize for any bodily harm I might have caused you," Artemis said, striving to keep his voice in one octave.

            Holly nodded, never leaving his eyes.  "All right.  Apology accepted."  She loosened her grip on his shirt.

            Butler walked by and lightly shoved Artemis in the back with his elbow.  "Oops."

            For the second time in a single day—in less than twelve hours—Artemis found himself kissing Holly.  This was rather awkward, as he was in front of Juliet and Mulch, and his stomach was protesting its contact with the sharp edge of the island.  He closed his eyes and attempted to kiss her properly, considering the circumstances.  Her return was equally strained, but it still made his stomach flutter.  He broke it off, knowing if he didn't it would look even worse than it did already.

            He sat down on his stool and straightened his shirt collar.  "I don't have to take this kind of abuse," he said, not looking at anyone, but instead a point directly beyond Holly's crimson ear.  He got off the stool as dignified as possible and left the room, heading straight up the stairs for his bedroom.

            "_You_ don't have to take abuse?" Holly hollered after him.  "Come _back_ here!"  He heard the patter of feet behind him as he went up the stairs.

            Back in the kitchen, Juliet looked at her brother, who shrugged.  "It was bound to happen sooner or later."  She nodded in response.

            Artemis shut the door to his room and ran a hand through his hair, looking at himself in the mirror.  He ran a comb through it, then ran into the attached bathroom and rinsed his mouth with Listerine.  Okay, so he technically avoided any conversations that involved relationships, but he wasn't _totally_ ignorant.

            Just as he finished and reentered his bedroom there was a knock at his door.  He smiled inwardly; at least his sense of impeccable timing was still there.  "Artemis?  It's me."

            He opened the door just enough for Holly to enter, then shut it.  "Would you rather me lock it?"

            She looked at him out of the corner of her eyes.  "You know, Mr. Fowl, if I didn't know better, I would think you were suggesting something.  Go ahead.  I don't want your parents getting ideas."

            He raised an eyebrow as he entered the lock combination into the keypad by the door.  "Why, Miss Short, if I didn't know better, I would think you were asking for something."

            He felt silly—if he ever felt silly—saying it, and she seemed to sense it, smiling at him in a knowing manner and stepping closer, tilting her head up.  "If flirting like this makes you uncomfortable, we could just skip that part."

            "Wouldn't that seem a bit…" he paused, searching for the word in her eyes, "well…using?  Like I wanted nothing from you than what you had to offer me, without giving you anything in return?"

            She inhaled sharply, a crease appearing between her eyebrows.  "That's so very…considerate of you."  Languidly she put her arms around his neck.  "But right now…I don't particularly care."

            "I don't want you to feel like I'm treating you like a—"

            "Artemis."

            "Yes?"

            "Shut up and kiss me."

            This he did, slowly, trying to seem confident when really he had know idea what he was doing.  He felt her smile, a rather startling sensation, and she took over, helping him.  How long they stood against the door, he didn't know, but abruptly she stopped and said, "Maybe we should talk."

            "That doesn't sound good at all," he said, following her as she perched on his desk.  He safely chose to sit in his chair on the other side of the desk.

            "Oh, don't be worried," she said.  "Nothing like I think you're hideous and we should break up."

            "Are we dating?" he asked.

            She sighed.  "That's what I mean.  Maybe we should…define the parameters of our relationship before we decide to do anything else."

            "So let's start there.  Are we dating?  I was under the impression that two people had to actually go on a date before they could be considered dating."

            "Artemis.  You just spent at least ten minutes kissing me.  If you're going to say we're not dating, you might as well say 'I'm using you.'"

            "Ah.  Well.  That answers that question."

            She tilted her head.  "You're so cute when you allow yourself to show emotion."

            "What?" he asked, distracted from recent memories he had been reviewing.

            Holly laughed.  "But I suppose your stoic disposition is something I'll have to get used to?"

            "I'm stoic when the occasion calls for it," he replied.  "Right now, the situation doesn't call for it.  If I were to act completely emotionless, you'd be angry with me.  Am I correct in my belief?"

            "Yes."

            "And your law-enforcement disposition is something I'll have to get used to, correct?" he continued.

            "Law-enforcement disposition?  Is that what you think of me?"

            She laughed when she said it, but he felt a test coming on.  "I don't know what I think of you.  To label you would be to limit you, and I don't want to do that.  I'd rather discover each part of your personality through being with you."

            Holly's eyebrows raised into her hairline, her eyes wide with, he was surprised to see, tears.  Shock was all over her face.  Abruptly she dropped her gaze.  "How do you do that?"

            "What?" he asked, mystified.  "Are you all right?"

            "Say something so completely considerate and so completely wonderful."  She sighed, staring at him.  "Don't stop."

            "I don't know what I'm doing."

            "Well, then, do stop, because if you don't, I might be tempted to say I love you."

            Artemis started.  "Butler warned me against that.  Perhaps you should continue talking, so you don't get that into your mind.  That's the last thing we need.  And I'm only fifteen."

            "What have you been doing for the past year and a half?" she said, switching the subject.

            He turned around to his computer, which sprawled behind his desk.  "Shutting down various illegal companies.  Like this one."  He opened his latest file.  "It's called FeatherSoft Soap.  It's a soap company based in Russia that uses illegal whale blubber to make the soap soft.  I've tried to leach out its funding several times, yet whoever's in charge somehow manages to stay one step ahead of me."  He watched a small popup run through combinations.  "The security on these files is incredible."

            Holly nodded.  "We've had some dealings with them before.  Foaly thinks a fairy's leaked technology to the humans.  But that's Foaly being paranoid."

            "It's possible.  That would explain why I can't get it under control."  He frowned.  "I wonder if someone's baiting me."

            "Now you're beginning to sound like Foaly," Holly said incredulously.  "Is that just a technology geek thing?"

            "Technology geek?"

            "Paranoia."

            He turned back around to stare at her.  "Technology geek?"

            She smiled sweetly.  "Well, you know, it could be worse."

            "Pray tell.  Your insults are music to my ears."

            As soon as the elf opened her mouth, however, she let out an enormous yawn.  "Sorry.  Let's see…it's been a couple of days since I've gotten a complete night's sleep.  I think.  I'm running on stim pills right now."

            "Come here," Artemis answered, feeling a little reckless.

            "Where?"

            He raised an eyebrow at her and she swung her legs over the desk and sat on his lap.  "Good.  Now sleep."

            She squirmed a little bit, settling herself, her head resting against his chest in a most pleasing way.  "You all right?"

            He smiled.  "I'm fine."

            "Okay.  Thanks."

***

            "Where ARE they?" Root yelled from the computer screen in the Fowl study.  "It's eight oh five!"

            "Yes, Commander, we heard you the first time," Mulch said.  The Butlers and he had gathered in the study, hoping to distract Root and failing miserably.

            "I don't know _where_ Artemis is.  As for Holly, she could be anywhere.  Doesn't she have to do the Ritual or something?" Juliet said, grasping for straws.

            "She shouldn't have to do it for another year or so, unless she has another major healing she's done," Foaly said.  "Do you want me to trace her?"

            "Doesn't she have to have her equipment to do that?"

            "Well, if she's doing the Ritual or something like that, she would have her equipment with her, wouldn't she?" Root said.

            Juliet looked at Butler, who shrugged.  "Look, I'll see if I can find Artemis for you," she said finally.  "You try to find Holly."

            She got up and left the room, heading up another flight of stairs for the Fowl living quarters.  She knocked on Artemis's door.  "Arty?"

            Nothing.  Sighing, she twisted the doorknob.  Locked.  She pushed random pieces of the wall next to the door until one gave in and slid away, revealing a lit keyboard.  She punched in the combination, hoping he hadn't changed it, and waited for the click.  It came, and she opened the door.

            "Artemis, what do you—oh."  She stopped dead at the sight that greeted her:  Holly, asleep on Artemis's lap, and Artemis asleep with his arms around her and head resting on hers.  Juliet couldn't help a little sigh; it was _so CUTE_.  She glanced around the room and found his digital camera and took a picture, then quietly crept back to the study door.

            "Dom," she whispered.  "Come here."

            Butler obeyed, looking confused.  "Root's about to have a coronary."

            "What else is new?  Look."

            Butler took the camera and looked.  "Oh."

            "Isn't it _adorable_?"  Juliet let out a happy sigh.

            "Yes.  Very cute.  But, Julie, please remember Holly belongs to a different species."

            "Are you trying to say we shouldn't encourage this?"

            "I don't know.  I think you should have woken them up."

            "But _Dom_," she whined, "they looked so _happy_."

            Butler sighed.  "Fine.  I'll wake them up—indirectly."

            "Do what?"

            "I'll start playing annoyingly romantic music."  Butler grinned at her.  "That ought to wake him up.  Just because I'm not sure we should allow this to continue doesn't mean we can't have our fun."

            Juliet giggled.  "I'll stall Root."  She went into the room and let Butler go do whatever he needed to do.  Sure enough, Root was swelling like a toad preparing to rib-bit.  It would probably be just as obnoxious, too.

            "I found a note in his room," she lied, forestalling any comment.  "He forgot something at school and went to retrieve it."

            "What is he THINKING?" Root demanded.  "The longer we dilly-dally the more time Koboi has to plan her takeover!"

            Mulch, who was sitting on the floor, out of view of the cameras, tugged on Juliet's jumpsuit.  She discreetly handed him the digital camera.  He laughed.

            "Don't ask me to comprehend the Almighty Genius Artemis," she snapped.  "If he needs something, it's most likely important."

            "Well, in the meantime, perhaps you'd like an Opal Update?" Foaly cut in, trotting over to stand next to Root.

            "What'd you have?" Juliet asked.

            "An email from an old classmate of hers, Ruby Ohmson, distant relative to Ohm Phlegm Pot Cleaner."

            "Ew."

            Foaly shrugged.  "It's a necessary job."

            "Ew."

            "Anyway, she says Opal contacted her, asking for schematics on the latest LEP weaponry.  Why, I don't know, as Ohmson is an interior decorator whose inventions include a new paint and appointment calendar.  Anyway, she said Koboi was in America when she contacted Ohmson."

            "Ruby Ohmson…haven't there been a couple of lawsuits against her or something?"

            Foaly passed a stack of papers over to his commander.  "Background check.  And you're right.  She keeps getting sued for supposedly stealing other people's inventions and gaining the patents for them."

            "You think the inventors are telling the truth?" Juliet asked.

            Foaly shrugged again.  "Ruby _did_ go to school with Opal, so I wouldn't rule her out being a suspicious character.  And she didn't say whether or not she passed on the schematics.  Of course, if she _had_ them, she would be eligible for prison for stealing classified information."

            "I've heard of her," Mulch volunteered, passing Juliet the camera.  "Not pleasant things, either."

            Butler returned and Juliet filled him in on what had happened.  "Did you do it?"

            "Backstreet Boys," he answered with a grin.

            Juliet shuddered.  "I forgot I still had those."

            "What are you talking about?" Root demanded.

            "Nothing."  Butler sat down in the other chair.  "What is the latest LEP weaponry?"

            Root clamped a hand over Foaly's mouth.  "It's classified information.  We can't tell you."  Suddenly he jerked his hand away from Foaly.  "Did you just _lick_ me, centaur?"

            "It's a gun.  A really big gun, that the Council wants to be called _Mud Poison_," Foaly said.

            "You _did_ lick me!"

            "_Mud Poison_?" Butler said with a raised eyebrow.

            Foaly shook his head.  "Isn't it pathetic?  But the Council wanted something direct.  I wanted to call it the _Sapien Blaster_ or the _Sapien Sapien Cannon_."

            "I wasn't commenting on that.  I was commenting on that it sounds very anti-human."

            Foaly squirmed.  "Well, yes, it _is_ that."

            "And why are you inventing something terribly anti-human?" Juliet asked.  "Aren't we your friends?"

            "Well, _you_ are…" the centaur looked very uncomfortable, "but the majority of humans are…not our friends.  Take Spiro."

            "Spiro didn't know you existed," Butler said.

            "I don't know, Foaly," Mulch said from the floor, "you're sounding pretty prejudiced to me.  And think about it.  Right now you're chasing after a fellow fairy.  Yet here Artemis Fowl is offering to help you.  Who's the bigger danger?"

            "Where _IS_ Fowl?" Root demanded, suddenly seeming to remember that the brains of the human operation was missing (which thankfully, for Foaly's sake, distracted him from the lingering remains of centaur saliva on his hand).

            Butler and Juliet exchanged looks.  Oh boy.

***

            Holly awoke, feeling very rested, because she realized that the music in her dream had actually been playing in the real world.  She frowned, listening to the words, trying to locate it.  She glanced on Fowl's computer and saw the name: _Head over Feet_, by Alanis Morrisette.  She smiled, listening to the words.

            Then she remembered where she was and stiffened.  Twisting slightly, she looked at Artemis and smiled again.  He looked so young, asleep like that.  She reached out and touched his cheek.

            He stirred.  "Artemis," she said softly, "wake up."

            He opened his eyes, blinked, looked down at her.  "Hello."

            "Hi," she said.  "Listen, it's," she glanced at the computer and gasped, "EIGHT FORTY-FIVE!"  
            "Wasn't there somewhere we were supposed to be at eight?" he asked sleepily, rubbing his face.

            "Yes.  A meeting with COMMANDER ROOT."

            He sat upright.  "I'm awake."

            "We're in so much trouble," she whispered.  "Oh, he's never going to let us live this down."

            Artemis pinched the bridge of his nose, thinking.  "Go on ahead.  I'll—"

            "_Foaly_," she groaned.

            "What about him?"

            "He—he knows you like me, and he's a bit suspicious."

            Artemis regarded her levelly.  "It's the truth, isn't it?"

            "Well, yes, but—" Holly was finding it increasingly difficult to find the right words, with his eyes staring her down "—number one, you're a Mud Boy, which looks bad enough, and number two, you're public enemy number one, and that's—why are you laughing?"

            "Holly," he said, "does all that really matter?"

            "Well, yes…to some people…" she said lamely.  _Damn_ those eyes.

            "To you?"

            "Not really…Artemis, you're going to be the death of me!" she groaned, burying her face in the crook where his shoulder met his neck.  He stiffened, then slowly relaxed, letting his arms pull her closer.

            "I hope not," he said, squeezing her, then kissing the top of her head.  "Now get up."

            She obeyed.  "What are you doing?"

            He fiddled around with the computer, setting up what looked like a microphone and a camera, then typed something rapidly.  A second later the screen split into three views, with Foaly, Root, and the Butlers and Mulch in each little box.

            Holly waved into the camera.  "Hello, all!"

            "_There_ you are," Foaly said, looking from one face to another with his eyebrows raised.

            "Did you get what you were looking for, Fowl?" Root barked.

            Holly suddenly realized the connotations of this and ducked out of view, bent over laughing.  "I believe so," Artemis said, glancing over at Holly questioningly.

            "Later," she hissed, waving him off with one hand, the other crammed into her mouth.

            "Where are you?" Foaly asked.  "It looks suspiciously like a bedroom."

            "It's mine," Artemis said with a completely blank face as Holly whirled around to stare at him.  "Captain Short came to retrieve me and we were already late, so I set up a station from here."

"Whatever," Root said.  "Look, will someone fill Fowl in?"

            Juliet obliged.

            "I've got Ohmson," Foaly cut in.

            "Where is she?" Artemis asked, his face closing in something Holly recognized as his "genius is thinking" look.

            "Haven," Foaly answered.  "I can have her brought in here, if you want."

            "Do," Artemis said.

            "What're you thinking?" Holly asked.

            "Anagrams," he answered.

            "She'll be here soon," Foaly said.  "Until then…"

            "Let's see," the voice of Mulch drifted through the speakers, "we could discuss whether or not Fowl and Co. will be assisting the LEP while they attempt to take down Opal Koboi.  Or…well, I can't really think of anything else of any importance."

            "Well, convict," Root spat back, "for once you've had a decent idea.  Fowl, what do you want in exchange for staying out of this?"

            Artemis raised an eyebrow.  "No attempts to reason with my human good?"

            "Are you trying to say you have human good, Fowl?  Or that there is such thing?"

            Holly opened her mouth, thought better of it, but was still seen by Foaly.  "What, Captain?"

            She ran her tongue along her bottom lip, thinking of something smart to reply.  "I was just…yawning."

            "But weren't you just asleep?" Juliet said, smiling evilly.

            Holly opened her mouth to reply again when suddenly music broke through from Artemis's speakers.  "'All you need is love (A girl's got to eat)…'"

            "Juliet," Artemis said with a groan.

            The blonde had a look of pure ecstasy on her face.  "Oh, Artemis, it's _Moulin Rouge_.  You _can't_ turn it off!"

            "_Moulin Rouge_?  I saw that," Foaly said.

            Root gave him a long Look.  " You're going to make a comment about how you pour millions into his budget and all he does is watch Mud Men movies," Holly and Artemis said, looking at each other in surprise.

            Root closed his mouth.  "Not necessarily."

            "That was scary," Foaly volunteered.

            "To say the least," Mulch agreed.

            "What's scary?  That strange chiming in unison?" Juliet said innocently.

            "Not a word," Artemis warned.

            "About what?" Foaly said in the same tone as Juliet.

            "Nothing," Holly added, just as firmly.

            A ding forestalled the increasingly writer's-block-sounding conversation.  Foaly glanced away from the camera.  "Ohmson's here."

            "Bring her into one of those monitoring rooms.  I'll go talk to her, and you can watch," Root instructed, getting up and disappearing.

            "Routing through to your screens…" Foaly said, clicking and clacking with the keyboard.

            "Could you get that on record?" Holly murmured absently to Artemis, stepping closer once Root left.

            "What?" he asked.

            "That clicking and clacking."  She giggled, totally lost as to where she was going with the random conversation thread she had picked.  "It could be, like, the newest music revolution."

            Artemis regarded her, glancing at the screen out of the corner of his eye.  "Juliet, what have you done to her?"

            "Nothing?"

            Holly giggled again.  "You have gorgeous eyes."

            He started and turned to stare at her, a bewildered yet pleased smile on his face.  "Thank you.  Foaly, are there any side affects to whatever you gave her to make her tall?"

            "No idea.  Hasn't been tested before.  Shouldn't be."  The centaur glanced up and jumped.  "Holly?" he asked.

            Holly was back on Artemis's lap, settling against him, into his almost involuntary embrace.  He reached up and turned the camera away.  "Hey there, you two," Butler said, "we can still hear you."

            She felt the heat of his blush and giggled.  "I'm sleepy," she announced.

            "Then go to sleep," he told her.  "Butler, I don't appreciate the lewd comments."

            "Yes, sir.  Maybe she's just sleeping it off."

            Holly had a vague idea that maybe they were talking about her, but hey, Artemis was warm and comfortable, and he _had_ told her to sleep…

            "Root's going in there, can you see?" Foaly said distantly.

            "Yes…."

***

            Artemis looked down at Holly's soundly sleeping form and sighed.  "She's heavy when she's asleep," he announced to no one in particular.

            "Careful, Root can still hear you," Foaly warned.

            "Don't ever call her heavy," Juliet advised.  "It won't end well."

            "Understood."

            "What are you babbling on about?"  Root's quiet voice still managed to sound like it was yelling.

            "Nothing, sir."

"Right."  Root suddenly entered the same room as a pixie.  The female had black hair (highlighted with red), red fingernails, impossibly red lips, red cheeks, and wore a one piece, red leather (or so it looked) jumpsuit.

            "Picks a theme and sticks with it, doesn't she?" Mulch commented.

            "Hello, Miss…Ohmson?" Root said in what could almost be mistaken for a kind voice.

            "Yes, sir.  And you are…?" she said, smiling broadly.

            "Her teeth aren't pointed.  Darn," Mulch added.

            "_Don't_ need the running commentary," Root said out of the corner of his mouth.  "Root, Commander Julius Root of the LEP."

            Artemis studied her.  "Foaly," he said, "could you perhaps swing the camera to give me a full view of her face?"

            The centaur grunted, the keys clacking again.  "She's not _that_ pretty, Fowl."

            He ignored this and went back to studying Ohmson.  "Oh, I've heard of you, sir," she was saying.

            "Yes, well, lots of people have," easing into his usual gruff tone.  "Do you know why you're here?"

            She shifted, recrossing her legs.  "I have an idea, sir.  Is this about my former classmate?"

            "Opal Koboi, yes, it is," Root answered.  "Tell me, are you _sure_ she was the one who contacted you?"

            "Oh, yes, sir," Ruby said with wide eyes.  "It was kind of rambling, like the way she talks."

            "That's true.  Now, what, exactly, did she ask you?"

            The pixie sighed, examining a nail.  "It should be in my report, sir."

            "Please humor me."  Root's voice was on a steadily non-friendly trend.

            "She asked for the schematics on some LEP weapon, like _Mud Poison_, I think is what she called it."  Ruby looked up.  "Is that all you need?"  
            "Were you in possession of these schematics?"

            "No, sir."  She rolled her eyes.  "Look, Julius, I'm not stupid.  I know exactly what you're doing here, trying to make me say something so you can arrest _somebody_ to make up for your Opal blunder.  And I'm telling you, you've got the wrong girl if you're trying to trick someone.  _And_," she paused for effect, "you just revealed to me that there _is_ such a thing as the _Mud Poison_—which, if I may say, is a pathetic name for superweapon."

            The look on Root's face was priceless.  "Girl's got guts," Foaly commented.

            "I like her already," Mulch added.

            "Ooh, she called him _Julius_," Juliet said.

            "Commander," Artemis said, "ask her if she knows anyone named Rob S. Muhoyn."

            "Who's that?" Foaly asked.

            "Head of FeatherSoft Soap, one of the illegal companies I've been trying to shut down."

            Root complied and a wide smile split her face.  "Julius, Artemis Fowl wouldn't happen to be watching this, would he?"

            Artemis jerked in surprise along with the others.  "Why do you ask?"

            "He's been trying to shut down my illegal soap company for quite some time now," Ruby said, still smiling broadly.  "You see, he is Opal's pet peeve, and the one thing I enjoy most is doing something people dream of doing before they can do it themselves.  Usually I steal inventions and patent them myself.  But Opal wants Fowl dead, and I'm going to oblige before she can exact her revenge."  She pulled something out of her pocket and pushed a button on it; it expanded to resemble a cross between a bazooka (or some other really big gun) and an M-16.

            "Oh," Foaly said.  "Hey.  That looks exactly like what the _Mud Poison_ should look like."

            "As you can see, Artemis," she continued, "I now have the means of completely demolishing Opal's hope for revenge.  So…see you around."

            She winked at the camera, then hefted the absurdly large gun and blasted the camera.  The audio on Root was still working, until she presumably blasted him.  Artemis groaned and tried to put his head in his hands, but ran into Holly's head on the way.  She protested in her sleep and shifted, putting pressure on him in areas he didn't particularly want pressure on.  Wincing, he gently pushed her to the side.

            "Well," Butler said.  "This is wonderful.  I have two insane fairies after my charge's blood.  Artemis—"

            "It's not my fault the pixie chooses insane hobbies," he snapped.

            "I'm not blaming you.  I'm saying we need to move to a secure facility."

            "Haven," Artemis said instantly.  "Foaly, I need the _Mud Poison_ schematics.  I need to know exactly how it works."

            "You can't come to Haven!" the centaur protested.

            "I have already," he argued.

            "Yes, because we were under danger of hostile takeover," Foaly said.  "Fowl—"

            "Back to Fowl now, are we?  I'll remind you that I have a friend of yours on my lap right now."

            There was a collective gasp.  "Are you—_threatening _her, Fowl?"

Holly sat up.  "Arty?"

            "Sh," he said, pulling the cord on the microphone.  "Go back to sleep."

            "But—"

            "What?" he said, a little harsher than he intended.

            Her childlike expression wilted, tugging on those blasted emotions.  "I just wanted a good-night kiss."

            "Sorry," he whispered, smoothing her hair and obliging her, relaxing for a few precious seconds before she settled back against him.  Then he awkwardly attempted to replug the microphone.

            "Look," Butler said, "I assume we'll need to come to Haven eventually—"

            "To meet Holly's mother," Mulch muttered.

            "—but for now, if we can find a temporary base, we'll be okay."

            "Right," Juliet said sarcastically.  "Dom, what's better protected than this place?  Fort Knox?"

            "They'll be expecting us to go someplace well-protected," Artemis said, brain going at lightspeed (literally, if you took the time to calculate the speed of the electrical impulses—he pushed away his sidebound wanderings).  "However, I think—"

***

            A yawning Bobby O'Bobble opened the door to see the two Butlers flanking Artemis, who was carrying a sleeping Holly, and a really short, ugly guy.  "Jeeze, Fowl," he said, "I know I said you could come visit over holiday, but this's a lot of people for the middle of the night."

            "It's only temporary," Artemis assured him as they trooped into the front hall.

            Bobby followed them.  "I hope so.  Mum won't be too pleased when she makes breakfast in the morning…"

A/N II:  This has been edited by me, Jade Sabre, in order to provide you, the reader, with quality grammar, if not quality writing.  Now, I think you should all thank me for the wonderful grammar (if not for the OOC Holly and large amounts of romance) by hitting the little "Go" button down there and telling me what you think!

*Sweetest Thing by U2*

_Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, hooooooooooo_

_Your reviews they throw me like a rubber ball (Who-o-o the reviewing thing)_

_They can catch me or break my fall (Who-o-o the reviewing thing)_

_Arty's got blue skies up ahead _

_But in this a rain cloud _

_You know I want an honest kind of review (Who-o-o the reviewing thing)_

_I need to know_

_I need to know_

_So just do the reviewing thing_


	7. Plot Complications and Unwelcome Charact...

A/N:  *ducks to avoid flying objects*  Um…you guys maybe remember how I said something once about regular updates?…never mind.  But hey, I actually got on and said, "Let's update one and see if we have any fans left."  So Somebody Else (the person who stands right behind me and causes a lot of trouble that's NOT MY FAULT) and I decided to update.  This one's late, but hey, I just got Neverwinter Nights.  :-)  Plus I haven't been able to go online _at all_.  Sorry, but between school and extra-curricular activities, I just don't have time.  If there are any plot holes, feel free to point them out, even though I've gone over this thing many times there's probably still stuff I missed.  Unless you'd rather have short chapters.  But I don't do those very well at all.  So…

Chapter 7

**O'Bobble Residence, Ireland**

            Bobby had a good idea about his mother's mood swings.  When Mrs. O'Bobble woke the next morning to make pancakes for her six children, she was not pleased to discover an extra four houseguests.  She and Bobby spent five minutes in his room with the door shut.  Mulch's ear was pressed against it.

            "WHAT WERE YOU _THINKING_?" Mrs. O'Bobble demanded.

            "Asked him what he's thinking," Mulch reported to the others, "…he said he made the offer…she's complaining about people not calling in advance…he's saying something about a governmental emergency…"

            Artemis sighed.  "I forgot about that."

            "About what?" Foaly demanded.

            "I told Bobby Holly was a governmental agent from Canada."  He sighed and looked over at the elf's still, sleeping form.  "Still out."

            "Like a light," Juliet added.  "And she's not moving or doing any of that REM stuff.  You think it's a healing trance?"

            "Those things usually cause explosions," Butler countered.

            "Root's out, too," Foaly said over the earpiece.  "The _Mud Poison_ shouldn't affect him too badly; it's designed to interfere with the human genome."

            "What, exactly, does this creation of yours do?"

            "Well, first off, I don't know what Ohmson did to it to make it work; my schematics are still…in the early stages.  In order to postpone the project and eventually get it dismissed.  Tell Butler that I wanted this project dismissed."

            "I can hear you," Butler replied.  "It's hooked up to a speaker."

            "So anyone can hear this?"

            Artemis glanced at Bobby's little sisters, four-year-old twins with flaming red hair and sleepy eyes, who sat on Juliet's lap.  "No one who would understand."

            "And I thought you were smart."

            "Just tell me what the weapon does."

            "Well, basically, it sends a highly concentrated radiation straight into the victim," Foaly explained.  "So it does damage to whoever you aim it at, but fairy magic can heal it easily.  But…the radiation is arranged it such away as to sever certain key parts in the human DNA pattern that basically cause the whole thing to just shut down.  Not pretty, but I don't think it's very painful…I'll ask Julius when he wakes up."

            "That's…so…not cool," Juliet said, putting up one of the twins' hair into pigtails.  "Why would anyone want a weapon that would do that?  Don't you have field mind wipes for taking care of human sightings?"

            "It's Artemis's fault."

            Artemis stiffened.  If there was one thing he regretted, it getting Butler killed.  To think that his actions had led to the _pre-constructive­ _plans of a weapon that could destroy mankind…"Allow me to postulate.  The Council thought they needed to arm themselves against further kidnappings."

            "Yep."

            Holly hiccupped and sat up.  "Where am I?"

            "Holly?" Foaly said excitedly.

            She looked around blearily.  "Strange place, this."

            "Holly," Artemis said slowly, "are you all right?"

            "Do I know you?"

            There was a long silence.  "That can't be good," Mulch said.

            "Just go back to sleep," Artemis said.

            She shrugged and fell back over just as Bobby and his mother re-entered the room.  Artemis stood hastily.  "Mrs. O'Bobble," he said smoothly, "I am very sorry if my arrival has caused any sort of inconvenience for you.  I offer whatever assistance you need in return for allowing us to stay here."

            He completed his speech with a short bow.  The anger simmering in her green eyes seemed to lessen.  Slightly.  "All right, Fowl," she barked, "all of you in the kitchen.  You'll be making breakfast this morning.  _Except_ you," she added to Mulch.  "_You_ are going to do the gardening I was planning on doing.  Come with me.  Bobby, show the others how to make pancakes."

            She marched out, followed by a reluctant Mulch.  Bobby sighed and looked at his classmate.  "Actually, I think you caught her on a good morning.  Usually she's so cranky at this hour we lie in bed until breakfast's done.  Come with me."

            Artemis unplugged the earpiece from his laptop and shut the computer.  Leaving Holly to be beautified by the twins, they followed Bobby into the kitchen, where he quickly set them to work making eggs, bacon, kippers, pancakes, and any other breakfast food he could think of.  His little brother, other little sister, and older sister all peeked in, walking by as they woke up, older sister eying Artemis with extreme interest before turning back to her room.

            "I told Katie about you," Bobby said as he and Artemis flipped pancakes.  "She's probably gone to fuss herself up to 'look good' for you."

            "How old are your siblings?" Artemis asked.  This was a new experience for him; at school, he tended to shy away from all his classmates, mostly in the interest of pursuing his personal projects.  As such, he didn't really count anyone as a friend.  However, he seemed to be making one.

            "Katie's going to be seventeen next month, I'm fifteen, Miles is twelve, Mona's nine, and Caitlin and Colleen are four.  Da's usually away on business trips, and Mum runs the house."  Bobby shrugged.  "There's a lot."

            "Is your extended family this large?"

            "Oh, yes."  Bobby grinned.  "My parents both came from families of six, and all my aunts and uncles have at least three children.  You?"

            "My father is an only child, and my mother…_might_ have a brother somewhere in London."  Artemis shrugged.  "And I consider the Butlers family, of course."

            "Your bodyguards?"

            "Well, yes," he said, glancing over at them, where Juliet was trying very hard to crack eggs without totally ruining them.  "Butler's been with me all my life.  And Juliet takes care of Mother; she's another constant.  They're my family; I'd do anything for either one."

            "Cool," Bobby said.  "What's it like, having a bodyguard?"

            Artemis's reply was forestalled by Katie's arrival.  Katie had long, wavy red hair and her mother's green eyes.  She was healthily thin but also rather…gifted…in certain areas.  She wore a tight green T-shirt and hip-hugging jeans.  Artemis found himself temporarily paralyzed.

            "So," she said, smiling, "you must be Artemis."

            He was acutely aware of Butler's avid gaze.  "Yes," he said, raising an eyebrow, the only reaction he could come up with to buffer such beauty.  "And you are Katie, _n'est-ce pas_?"

            "French?" she said, still smiling.  "How nice!  And yes, I'm Katie.  Bobby told you, didn't he?  He likes to ruin surprises."

            "I'm sure I don't understand what you mean by that," he said coolly.

            "Sibling rivalry," she was quick to assure him.

            "Hey, Katie, Mum's in the garden.  Said she wanted to talk to you," Bobby intervened.

            She sent him a brief glance of annoyance and left the kitchen after giving Artemis another smile.  The genius stared after her, feeling rather dazed, and rather horrible that another girl should affect him so strongly while Holly was around….  He groaned.

            "Katie's good, isn't she?" Bobby admitted.  "Although I wouldn't say you're her type, she apparently has decided you are.  And Katie usually gets what she wants."

            Artemis looked at him.  "You're rather apathetic towards your sister."

            "Just warning you," the other boy said, shrugging.

            There was a sound remarkably like a stifled laugh from the Butler area of the kitchen.  Artemis turned to glare at them.

            "Haven't I repeatedly said Holly's too old for me?  There's nothing wrong with appreciation for another person's gifts," he said in what he hoped was a dignified voice.

            "Sure, Arty," Juliet said, biting her lip.  Butler remained carefully neutral.

            "Holly sure doesn't look it," Bobby observed.  "Hey, how's about you take my sister and I take the government agent?"

            "NO."

            "Your loss," Bobby said, turning back to the pancakes and cursing.  "This batch'll have to be scrapped."

            Artemis, who had been flipping the pancakes while Bobby poured them, looked sheepishly at the blackened, rock-hard circles sitting in the pan.  "Sorry."

            They finished making breakfast and set the table just in time for Mulch and the rest of the O'Bobbles to come trooping into the dining room.  Katie quickly grabbed a seat next to Artemis and Juliet grabbed the seat next to her, while Mona ended up between Artemis and Butler.  The twins, Caitlin and Colleen, were reconfined to their highchairs, Mulch sat next to Juliet, Miles sat between the dwarf and his brother, and Mrs. O'Bobble sat next to Bobby.

            "Where's the other member of your party?" Mrs. O'Bobble asked after saying a blessing.

            "I think she ingested a hallucinogen and is currently sleeping it off," Artemis said.

            "What's a hallucingenny?" Mona asked.

            "Something you don't ever want to eat," Butler said, looking down at the girl.

            Her hair was closer to blonde than the others and she didn't seem the least bit intimidated by the giant man.  "But what _is_ it?"

            "Any number of things that makes you think things are there when really they don't exist."

            "Corrupting my child?" Mrs. O'Bobble said.

            "No, Mum.  He's just increasing my vocabulary."

            "It's 'hallucinogen,' not 'hallucingenny,'" Butler added.

            "What _are_ you?" Miles asked Mulch on the other side of his mother.

            "A dwarf," Mulch said honestly, possibly a first for him.

            "Like a short person?"

            "Yeah.  A short person."  With that Mulch began shoveling his breakfast into his mouth until Juliet saw what he was doing and dug her fingernails into his arm.  "Ow!"

            "Just tell everyone you're not human, why don't you?" she hissed.

            "What'd she say?" Miles asked.

            "Nothing," Juliet said, smiling at him.  He blushed and smiled back a little.  Mulch rolled his eyes.

            "Smelly," he hissed.

            "Stinker," she retorted.

            Katie, on the other side of Juliet, was quite interested in Holly.  "Who is she?"

            Artemis, still enthralled in her beauty against his will, answered, "A governmental agent I'm assisting."

            "So…is she smart?"

            "Very."

            "Are you guys friends?"

            He shrugged.  "I suppose.  I'm not quite sure."  He had been unsure about Holly's feelings for him ever since she had gone tipsy, wondering if her feelings for him had been brought on only by the Mud Maid potion.  "We've had…both friendly and unfriendly dealings in the past."

            "So it's true?  You're a criminal mastermind?"  Katie's eyes shone.

            "Now I never said—" he began.

            Katie daringly leaned her head on his shoulder.  "How…seductively evil."

            Artemis froze, glanced over, and caught Bobby's eyes.  "_Help_," he mouthed.

            "_Do I get Holly_?" Bobby mouthed back.

            Artemis rolled his eyes and Juliet, turning towards him, came to his rescue.  "How do you do it?"

            Katie sat up, although she was still in Artemis's personal bubble, and smiled blandly.  "Do what?"

            "Get ready so quickly!" Juliet exclaimed.  "I mean, I saw you come out of your room, and then you went back in, and no more than ten minutes later out you come looking like _that_!  That's so, like, oh my God!  You've _got_ to tell me how to do it!  It's gotta be a real lifesaver."

            Artemis inwardly marveled at Juliet's ability to act so smart one minute and so blonde the next.  Katie looked slightly stunned, but relaxed.

            "First of all, conditioner spray is a _lifesaver_," she explained.  "Also, knowing how to put on _just_ enough makeup to look presentable, knowing that you can always put more later."

            Juliet sighed happily.  "Finally, someone who speaks my language!  You have _no_ idea how awful it is, hanging around with my brother and _him_."  She jerked her head at Artemis.

            "I hear geniuses are lacking in fashion sense," Katie sympathized.  Then she glanced at Artemis, who was wearing the closest thing he had to old clothes: a white-button up, sleeves rolled up to the elbows, a black vest over that, and black slacks.  He thought it lent him a fairly vampiric air, and happened to enjoy making people think he was a vampire.  "Although I'm not sure if it's true."  She smiled cockily at him.

            He returned her smile, adding his sinister edge to it.  "Well, businessmen can't afford to look bad," Juliet intervened.

            "Katie, I wish you wouldn't throw yourself at any guy that comes your way," Mrs. O'Bobble said from across the table.

            "MA!  I _don't_," Katie said, rolling her eyes.  "I am not _throwing_ myself at Artemis.  I am merely making _conversation_.  Or am I not supposed to be friendly towards our guests?"

            Artemis did his best to look innocent, even though at the rate Katie was traveling she would be on his lap the second her mother turned her head.  Thankfully, the argument was averted by Holly showing up in the doorway, still looking lost.

            "If she'd look at Katie…" Foaly hissed in Artemis's ear, making him jerk.  "I want to see what your Katie looks like…"

            "She's not _my_ anything," Artemis retorted in the barest whisper, full of concern for Holly.

            Holly started talking in what sounded like a lot of gibberish, but Artemis soon realized it was Gnommish and tried to translate it.  "She wants to know where the bloody hell she is," he explained.

            "What's she speaking?" Bobby asked.

            "Egyptian," Artemis ejaculated.

            "You're at my house," Bobby said to her.

            She blinked at focused on him.  "Do I know you?"

            English, Artemis thought with relief.  "Yeah.  We danced together," Bobby said.  Artemis's relief vanished as he realized what Bobby was attempting.

            "Oh.  Okay."  Holly crossed the room and stood next to him.  Bobby smiled.

            "Lap's free."

            "Robert!" Mrs. O'Bobble scolded.

            Artemis watched, feeling a curious pang run through him, as Holly sat on Bobby's lap.  Abruptly he stood.  "She can have my chair.  I'm not hungry anymore."

            He left the kitchen, crossed the living room, and went out the front door.  It was about nine o'clock in the morning and the sun was shining right on the front yard, on the stoop, where he sat, trying to figure out why he was suddenly so miserable.

            "Fowl?" Foaly said in his ear.

            "Would you mind going somewhere else?" Artemis asked.  "Go check on your boss or something."

            "Gotcha.  I'll warn you when I get back—if you hear me and you don't want to be disturbed, just say 'Katie,' and I'll get out."

            Artemis rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh at the centaur's smug, knowing tone.  "Goodbye."

            "Foaly, over and out."

            Artemis was left alone to stare at the grass and wonder about his lot in life.  Then he realized how ridiculous this was, and that it would probably involve moral debates he didn't want to think about, so he moved on to wondering what to do about the _Mud Poison_.  Of course, Root was still probably going to reject his help, and giving him fairy help, so it would make his quest that much more difficult.  _And_ he had to explain all of this to his parents.  A guilty twinge hit him as he thought of his parents; he had disappeared in the middle of the night with barely giving them a note.  And while part of him argued that the fate of the human world was more important than his parents, he wished someone else would worry about the fate of the fairy world.

            "Thinking deep thoughts?"

            It was Katie.  Great.  He hadn't even begun to worry what he might or might not feel about the beautiful early girl, and how it conflicted with his relationship with Holly (which might not even _be_ a relationship anymore, if it really was one to begin with).  He did know he didn't want to date a girl just for looks, that he didn't appreciate heavy coquettishness, and that he wanted to really know a girl before he got into a deep and serious relationship.  Katie didn't qualify at the moment.

            "Not really," he replied, shifting to make room for her on the stoop; it was only polite.

            "Then what _were_ you thinking about?"

            "The fate of the human world," he said, staring out across the street at the other large houses.  The O'Bobbles, while not being at Fowl status, were still wealthy and lived in an affluent neighborhood.

            "That sounds like deep thinking."  Her upper arm was touching his.

            He crossed his legs and put his folded hands on his knee.  "Perhaps.  It's a daily occurrence."

            "You think about the fate of the world a lot?  Sounds interesting."

            "Katie," he said with a sigh, "you're very pretty."

            She froze, and he knew she didn't know how to react to such blatant acknowledgement of her flirtation.  "Thank you," she said.  "That's very kind of you."

            He turned his head and was unsurprised to find her nose inches from his, yet this didn't inspire anything remotely new or interesting.  "However," he said, "I am not interested in pursuing any sort of relationship with you other than friendship at this point."

            Her green eyes bore into his.  "Really?"

            "Yes."

"Are you sure?"

            "Quite sure."

            "I think," her voice was quiet, breathy, and he knew what was coming, "you don't realize what you're missing."

            She leaned forward and gave him a light, slow kiss on the lips, smooth and cool.  He let it happen, tasting her sweetness, although he didn't kiss her back.  "I think I recognize it," he said when she was finished.  "However, I prefer to base relationships on something other than physical attraction—"

            "Fowl?" said Foaly in his ear.

            "—Katie," he added quickly.

            "Got it.  Outta here."

            She pulled away to regard him.  "Bobby said you've never had a girlfriend."

            "He's right."

            "Do you think you're setting your standards a little high, considering?"

            He gave her a steady gaze.  "I persist in keeping my values."

            She looked over his face, a slight smile coming to her face.  "There's a lot of levels to you, Artemis Fowl.  I like it."

            "That being said," he countered, "I look forward to pursuing a friendship with you."

            Her smiled widened, and he matched it.  "So do I."

            They sat there, regarding each other, and for a small second Artemis felt almost like a normal teenager.  He felt…almost happy, he decided.  Content to think of Katie and her personality, rather than people like Ruby Ohmson and Julius Root.

            Speaking of which…

            "FOWL!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

            He sighed.  "Excuse me, Katie, but I have an incoming call from Holly's boss, and these conversations tend to be confidential."

            She smiled again.  "I understand."  Standing, she stretched, her shirt coming above her jeans to reveal her midriff.  _That_ was new.  "Friendship first?"

            He nodded, and she went inside.  "Who's _that_?" Root demanded.

            "Bobby O'Bobble's older sister," Artemis answered.  "Katie O'Bobble."

            "Sounds pretty."

            "She is."  Artemis suddenly felt unsure; Root had never been so…_normal_ before.

            "Back to business," the commander continued.  "Any leads on Ohmson or Koboi?  Strange phone calls, emails, bombs going off?"

            "Nothing.  Quite silent.  Ohmson's probably plotting her next move."

            Foaly neighed/snorted.  "_That's_ a pleasant thought."

            "Isn't it though?"  Artemis thought.  "I haven't done much monitoring, thought, as you still haven't told me whether or not you'll allow the Butlers and myself to assist you in this matter."

            "Don't have clearance from the Council for outside help," Foaly put in.  "Although that usually means help from Atlantis, and they really, really, _really_ hate looking weak in front of the neighbors."

            "Speaking of assistance, how's Holly?" Root asked, a note of concern in his voice.

            Artemis was dumbstruck; Root was acting far too normal, far too caring.  "Did the _Mud Poison_ do anything to you?"

            "What does that mean?" the commander barked.

            He shook himself.  "Never mind.  Holly's…last I saw her, she was sitting on my classmate's lap.  Any second now I expect they'll move to a more private space, unless Juliet or Butler gets to her.  I can't begin to explain how different she is; if she's not sleeping, she's acting like a…" He trailed off, unable to finish.

            "Loose girl?" Foaly supplied.

            "Yes."

            "What have you _done_?" Root demanded.

            "I've been looking at the potion, and I think I can figure out what's going wrong," Foaly said.  "Actually, I'm more worried about Opal Koboi.  If Holly's losing this kind of control, what will it do to someone who's already insane?"

            There was a silence while they contemplated this.  "I believe," Artemis said finally, "it is imperative that you locate Koboi as soon as possible, that we may track her down."

**New Haven**

            Opal looked out of the peephole in her apartment's door to see an impatient-looking pixie with red fingernails tapping her foot on the welcome mat.  Smiling in satisfaction, she opened the door, let the other pixie in, and shut the door and locked it.

            "About time," Ruby Ohmson snapped.  "I'm a fugitive now."

            "I saw on the news that you blasted Julius Root," Opal answered, directing her hoverseat across from another chair in the living/dining room (plus kitchenette).  Ruby took the hint and sat down in said chair.  "You know, the _Mud Poison_ you sent me didn't work."

            Ruby looked at her strangely.  "I must have accidentally sent you a failed prototypes.  The last prototype and the working one look exactly the same, unless you take them apart.  But don't worry; I have a few extra."  She indicated the huge sack clipped to a Moonbelt clipped to a Moonbelt clipped to a Moonbelt, therefore making it 1/216 of its original weight and easily carried.

            "Awesome possum," Opal answered, calmly gliding over to the sack and opening it.  "Can you really carry these things?"

            "Not for long periods of time.  I figure if we have more time we can make it manageable."  Ruby smirked.  "I hear rumors that Calfy was against this project and is doing everything he can to delay it into nonexistence."

            Opal stared at her. "Calfy?"  
            "That LEP techno guy."

            Opal stared again, then jerked and began laughing hysterically.  "_Calfy_?  Oh, if he knew you said that—!"

            "Why?"

            "His name is _Foaly_, not _Calfy_!"  Opal fell off her hoverseat and kept laughing.  "_Calfy_!"

            "Same difference."

            "I know, just—you—I can _see_ his reaction."  Recovering, she clambered back onto her hoverseat.  "Anyway.  Back to business.  Were you followed?"  
            Ruby was giving her the strange look again.  "Are you feeling okay?"

            Opal blinked.  "Yes.  Why do you ask?"

            "You're acting…strangely," the other pixie said.  "It's…unusual…for you to string two coherent thoughts together at once."

            "Really?  I hadn't noticed.  Were you followed or not?"

            "You're taller, too."

            "Oh, that."  Opal waved a dismissive hand.  "I drank some potion of Foaly's, guaranteed to make me look more Mud Maid, so when I went above surface to kidnap Fowl I wouldn't look so weird.  Of course, I didn't get Fowl, but the potion still worked.  Speaking of Fowl, have you talked to him?"

            "Indirectly.  He figured out I was spearheading a Russian whaling company and spoke to me through Julius right before I blasted him."

            "Fowl?"

            "Julius."

            "Ah."  Opal sighed.  "We need to do something dastardly.  Something that will attract attention without us getting caught."

            "We could do a demonstration with the _Mud Poison_," Ruby offered.

            "Yes…only…" Opal stared into space, an idea starting to form.  "Listen, I need to work on the _Mud Poison_ a bit.  Everyone knows what it can do to Mud Men—it was all over the TV.  But what if it could do that to fairies?"

            Ruby started, looking slightly horrified, but the idea began to sit with her and she smiled slowly.  "You think we can do it?"

            "It shouldn't be too hard.  We can probably make this thing adjustable, for humans and fairies alike.  If I had extra time, I'd make it adjustable for different types of fairies."

            Ruby cocked her head, looking excited.  "I like the new you, Opal.  Whatever you did, it's quite excellent."

            Opal smiled.  It was _so_ nice to have friends.

**O'Bobble Residence, Ireland**

            Sure enough, Butler was having to physically restrain Holly to keep her from Bobby when Artemis went inside to retrieve his laptop.  This was actually his backup, which he had loaded _before_ remembering the fairies, but as his other laptop was missing its processor, it would have to do.  Anyway, Butler had one arm around Holly, holding her on his lap, while they, Bobby, Juliet, and the other O'Bobble children sat in the living room.

            "Oh, come on, big man," Holly said, "we're just friends.  It's okay."

            Bobby looked unsure.  "I wouldn't do anything to her, Mr. Butler."

            "I don't care," Butler said, formidable as always.  "She's not in her right mind, and I don't want you inadvertently taking advantage of her."

            Artemis's stomach churned, and he turned away from the scene and sat on the couch (where Katie quickly joined him) and opened his laptop.  He opened an instant messaging with Foaly.

            _Foaly_, he typed, _I'm in the living room, and Katie's next to me—sorry, can't get visual.  Send me any information you have about Opal._

            "Who's Foaly?" Katie asked.

            "Government," he answered.

            "Foaly?" Holly said, sitting up.  Artemis glanced at her.  "I think I know a Foaly.  He's a centaur."

            "Centaur?" Katie said, raising her eyebrows.

            "Sh, honey, you're imagining things," Juliet soothed.  She was sitting on the floor with Mona, Caitlin, and Colleen, playing dress-up (or "Let Juliet Give Me a Makeover"; Artemis wasn't sure which).

            "Do you have solitaire?" Katie asked him, leaning over his shoulder.

            He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, a light response to her flirtation.  "Of course."

            "Can I play?"

            He set it on her lap, warning, "Don't try to open anything; I'm sitting right next to you."

            She flashed him a smile.  "Don't _worry_, Artemis—may I call you Artemis?"

            "Yes."

            He watched her as she expertly played the mindless computer game, wondering what to do about such an attractive female when there was another one restrained on Butler's lap, one who was clearly sick and clearly needed help.

            Holly hiccupped.  "I don't understand why you people are no fun.  You're just as bad as—as Root."

            "Who's Root?"

            "An elf."

            Artemis wanted to shake her to make her feel better.  When Miles looked towards him questioningly, he only shrugged and said, "It might be some sort of government code thing.  Or it could be a book she read.  She could also be making it up.  I really don't know."

            "I saw a fairy once," Mona announced.

            All heads swiveled towards her.  "No, you didn't," Miles said, rolling his eyes.  "She tells this story all the time.  She's just making stuff up."

            "I am _not_," Mona insisted, tossing her (now sparkly) hair.  "I was seven years old and on a camping trip with Uncle Casey, and he was asleep and I got up because I had to go to the bathroom," she told the others.  "And then I saw this little short person digging a hole in the ground.  Well, I went up to him and asked him what he was doing.  And he said he was completing the Ritual, burying an acorn so he could have magic.  And sure enough he put a little acorn in the ground and BOOM, there was all this blue light, and he fixed a cut I had on my arm and told me I was a good little girl.  Then he said there was no such thing as magic, which I thought was silly.  Then he disappeared, and I went back to camp."

            There was a long pause.  Artemis could only guess that the fairy had tried to _mesmer_ize Mona and failed, probably because he didn't get eye contact.

            "Julius," Foaly said into Artemis's ear, "Julius, she's just a kid.  She won't believe it when she grows up.  Don't send a LEP team after her.  The others all think she's crazy."

            "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT FOOL DIDN'T REPORT HER!"

            Artemis winced and pulled the earpiece from his ear.  Juliet and Butler were both looking at him for guidance.  He shrugged.  "You know, maybe leprechauns really _do_ exist," he said placatingly.  "But if they do, I don't think they need to bury acorns."

            "He wasn't a _leprechaun_," Mona said in a long-suffering, why-can't-you-people-get-it-right voice.  "He was a _fairy_."

            "Same thing."

            "They are NOT."

            "Mona, _please_," Katie said, eyes never leaving the computer screen.  "Spare us."

            Holly hiccupped again.  And again.  And suddenly she was hiccupping at a steady pace of one per minute.  Artemis frowned.

            It was Bobby who noticed first.  "Hey, is it just me, or is she getting shorter?"

A/N II:  Cliffie…I'm proud of this cliffie.  This is a good cliffie.  I'm going to bed.  *gets up, stops as Katie bounds in*  Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you, who the heck are you and why are you in my story?

Katie:  I'm a figment of your imagination

Me:  *groans*  But why are you in my story?  This is a H/A fic.  You're totally screwing up the formula.

Katie:  *tosses hair*  I don't care.  *wanders off*

Me:  *glances at all the staring readers*  Uh…go review while I try and sort out my little…problem here…


	8. crawls in like sludge from the bottom of...

Disclaimer: No monetary profit is being drawn from this. In fact, I expect a mixture of good and bad karma to come my way, and I hope to make a good karma profit off that, but I'm not making any money. Gold is power, but it doesn't rule my life.

A/N:…I'm not even going to bother with an excuse, because there isn't a good one for…almost a year and a half of absence. Writer's block is not an excuse. Being busy is not an excuse. Not going to for six months is not an excuse. Reading reviews, making false promises, and feeling really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad about it is not an excuse.

Feeling really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really (you'd think, as a writer, I'd have better words than "really"), really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really sorry about it doesn't make up for it.

I really don't expect any of my original readers to pick up that I've updated, unless by some miracle their "favorite authors" thing has survived many upgrades. If any of you do read it, please, feel free to flame away. About my absence, that is. I hope you don't want to flame the chapter; I hope it's okay, even though it's shorter than my other chapters. My email account was censored by my parents, so if you sent me any email begging for more, I never got it, and I'm sorry, and if I'm overestimating my own importance, sorry for my arrogance. I apologize to everyone who's story I was reading at the time of my hiatus and hope that I will get a chance to finish them one day.

Okay, if I keep this up, my apologies will be longer than my chapter, and I HATE chapters like that (though those are usually thanks and review replies, not apologies). Please drop a review; maybe I'll be re-motivated. There's really not much more. I ought to finish this…but you don't want to hear my ramblings. Especially not if I give something away.

So, I hope you enjoy

Chapter 8

**O'Bobble Residence, Ireland**

_Shorter?_ Foaly's instant message appeared on Artemis's laptop. Artemis replaced the earpiece. "You're kidding, right?"

He studied the top of Holly's head for a moment, watching the hiccups. "Shorter," he confirmed.

"Oh, gods."

"Any ideas?"

"Why is she shrinking?" Miles asked.

Butler and Artemis exchanged looks. "Must have been rather powerful hallucinogen."

"Oh gods, oh gods, oh _gods_," Foaly moaned, not quite loud enough to drown out Root's stream of unprintable words.

Within seconds, Holly was down to four and a half feet. Her dress was beginning to fall. Artemis took a deep breath to steady his stomach and said, "Could someone please fetch something suitable for a person who's three feet tall to wear? I believe she may need it."

Mona was quick to run back with a jumper. Mrs. O'Bobble followed. "Boys," she warned.

Obediently Miles, Bobby, Butler, and Artemis left for Bobby's room.

"Fowl, what's wrong with her?" Bobby asked, sitting on his bed.

"I don't know," Artemis replied. "The government is notorious for experimental technology."

"Right," Miles said, looking lost. "Will she still be pretty?"  
"I don't know," the genius repeated. Butler shot his charge a worried look, but Artemis shrugged and stared at the wall, doing his best to think of nothing.

"Boys!" Mrs. O'Bobble called. "She wants to talk to you."

They exchanged looks: Bobby excited, Artemis slightly fearful, Butler protective, and Miles confused. Then they cautiously returned to the living room. Holly sat on the couch, returned to her normal three feet, wearing a jumper, and glaring at Artemis.

"_You_," she said.

He swallowed, eyeing her, wondering what she remembered. "Yes."

"I cannot _believe_ you!"

"What did I do?" He suppressed a wince, realizing how _that_ sounded to the others.

"You know _exactly_ what you did!"

"Oh. That." Artemis opened his mouth, closed it, and found himself not struck speechless, but at a total and complete loss of what to say to remedy the situation. "Yes. Well. Perhaps it would be better if we spoke about that at a later date. At the moment, your _commander_ wants an update on the situation."

"What did you DO, Fowl?" Root demanded in his ear.

"Where are we?" Holly demanded, ignoring Artemis. "Why are we here?"

"This is the O'Bobble's house," Juliet explained. "Bobby goes to school with Artemis and we came here after your commander was attacked."

"The commander was attacked?"

The Mud Men with knowledge of the People exchanged looks with the dwarf. "Holly," Mulch asked in alarm, "what's the last thing you remember?"

The LEP captain frowned, thinking. "Clicking and clacking, maybe? I fell asleep. There was some sort of meeting…I think…I…I remember falling asleep the first time, and there was a meeting, and then it gets fuzzy…then I fell asleep, and I don't remember anything after that." Suddenly she looked at Artemis again, suspicion clear in her gaze. "I remember _you_, though."

"Yes, we've established that," he said impatiently. "Root went to talk to Ruby Ohmson, a former classmate of Opal Koboi, and she used a prototype _Mud Poison_ on him. You were already asleep at that point. Ohmson apparently wants to kill me before Koboi can, and Koboi wants revenge on all of us."

"Butler said we should get somewhere secure, and so we're here until we have permission to go to Haven," Juliet added.

"Our house is secure?" Katie asked.

Artemis laughed slightly; the redhead girl grinned. Holly shot him a glare. "You shouldn't laugh like that. It's childish and annoying."

Artemis sat straight up and shut his mouth. "You should watch what you say."

"Oh, why?" Her smile was sickly sweet.

"Because your commander is listening." Artemis winced as Root yelled again.

Her expression froze as he matched it for several long seconds, until Mulch muttered, "Somebody, say something. The sexual tension is just too much."

"There is _no_ sexual tension!" Holly snapped.

"That was completely unnecessary," Artemis said at the same time.

They glared at each other again.

"Short, do I need to come up there?" Root asked in clipped tones, although she couldn't hear him.

"Will someone _please_ tell me what's going on? Artemis?" Katie demanded. "Is she your girlfriend or something?"

"_NO_," they both said emphatically.

"Just a misunderstanding," Artemis continued.

"Misuse," Holly muttered.

"Well, we hardly knew what was going on in _your_ head," he snapped.

"Will you two stop it?" Butler asked.

"So if she's not your girlfriend, what's your problem with me?" Katie said into the silence, as Holly and Artemis chose to direct their glares at Butler.

At the same time that this statement registered, Root's face appeared on Artemis's laptop. The next three people spoke simultaneously.

"I _don't_ have a problem with you!"

"SHORT! REPORT!"

"So many pretty hotheads, so little time."

Everyone stared at Mulch, who grinned nervously and started inspecting his fingernails. "I hope you weren't referring to _me_, convict," Root said in a dangerous voice.

"You're not pretty, Julius," Foaly's voice came over the computer.

Katie, who still held the laptop, watched with interest as Root's face turned red, again. "You _are_ a hothead, though."

"You must be Katie," Root said. "Fowl? Where's your camera? I want to see the situation."

"Sure you do," Juliet muttered as Artemis grabbed his laptop bag and started searching through it, suddenly aware his neck was burning. He pulled out the cables and camera and quickly plugged everything in, then purposefully set the camera atop the laptop, facing the center of the room. Then he took a deep breath. The situation was spinning out of control.

Holly looked equally out of sorts; but then again, she _was_ studying Katie with an unfavorable glint in her eye. Artemis made a mental note to ask about jealousy. At a more appropriate time.

"All right," Root said in a very quiet but very dangerous voice. "If everyone would please leave the room, I need to speak to my captain."

Holly's out-of-sorts look turned into resignation mixed with fear. The O'Bobbles looked to Artemis, who nodded slowly and followed the rest of them out. His eyes met Holly's briefly: they exchanged an embarrassed look before he left her to her commander's wrath.

Holly was in for it and couldn't quite figure out why. She knew her behavior had, until recently, been less than exemplary, but that wasn't her fault. Exactly. Sort of. Come to think of it, she couldn't really remember…except for Artemis. She grimaced: _that_ was all-too-clear.

"Captain?"

Holly went over to the laptop and quickly arranged it so she could see her commander and he caught a full view of her face. Foaly also came into the picture behind Root's shoulder, giving her a worried look. "Commander."

"Are you quite all right?"

These sympathetic words were so far from what she had been expecting that she giggled. This only seemed to reinforce Root's doubts about her sanity.

"Our esteemed technology director," he continued, glaring at Foaly for a moment, "has conferred with our director of biology and magic, and he thinks he knows what happened to you."

Foaly swallowed. "Our Mud Man concoction used concentrated bursts of magic to stimulate growth. It's possible that some of the magic misfired, if you will, and affected portions of your brain."

"So you think my head swelled?"

"That's only one theory," Foaly said defensively. "The other is that the magic _didn't_ misfire and instead avoided your brain entirely. Your brain had to compensate for your body's increased size, and this caused you to lose certain functions, such as self-discipline, in favor of others, such as walking."

Holly considered this. "The first one sounds less insulting."

"But the second one, more likely." Foaly shrugged. "I said it was a prototype."

"Yes, well, your 'prototype' has possibly caused me to psychologically scar everyone around. For life."

"Speaking of, what's wrong with Fowl?" Root asked.

She considered the face on the screen in front of her, decided that he would never guess the truth, and shrugged. "I think that Katie girl's making him uncomfortable."

"Poor kid," Foaly snorted. "Now what?"

"Good question," Holly said. "Commander?"

Root absentmindedly lit a cigar. "As far as we can tell, neither Koboi nor Ohmson has set up a base of operations. It's hard to predict where they'll be or what they're doing. I think we can assume that Koboi's going to want to launch another assault against you or Fowl soon."

"But Ohmson would caution her against that path so as to ensure she could reach us before Koboi," said a casual voice, if Artemis ever spoke casually.

Holly was increasingly tired of glaring. "Who invited you?"  
He shrugged. "You're dealing with criminal masterminds, correct?"

The suggestion in his statement was all-too-clear. Root sighed and exchanged a look with Foaly. "What do you suggest, Fowl?"

He paused, hands in his pockets, looking for all the world like a normal teenage school boy—except for the calculating glint in his blue eyes. Holly reined in a sigh.

"Send them a message," he said slowly, thinking. "Tell them you'll forgive Ruby and Opal if they'll bring you the _Mud Poison_ and myself. Draw them out. Or at least enough to get Butler or myself into whatever they're calling their base of operations."

"And then what?" Root asked.

"You have a tracer on myself or Butler, correct?"

"Yes," Foaly answered, ignoring the look Root gave him.

"Well, then. Follow us down. Use us as the bait. Set a trap, however elaborate."

"I'm assuming you have one in mind?"

"A few suggestions," Artemis said modestly.

"I don't like it," Holly interrupted. "There's no assurance they won't shoot you on sight. We don't _know_ where they are, and we don't know how dangerous the _Mud Poison_ really is."

"I think we have an idea," Root said, rubbing his shoulder. "Besides, I'm assuming Fowl wants some sort of assurance in exchange for his help?"

"I'd rather keep my memories intact, thank you," the teenager said without blinking.

"Why? They better this time around?" Foaly sniggered.

"_Foaly_!" Holly snapped, seeing red, also aware she was probably blushing, and wanting nothing more than to reach through the screen and give the smug centaur a good thrashing.

Artemis blinked, opened his mouth, caught a glance of Holly's fury, and closed it again. Root looked suspiciously from his technology director to captain and back. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing," Holly said through clenched teeth. "Foaly just needs something to do. His overactive imagination is clearly a sign of boredom. I think janitorial duty would solve that."

"So they _are_ better this time around?" the centaur asked, smiling into her scowl.

"Foaly, please," Artemis said. "I'd rather keep Captain Short intact, capillaries and all."

"_You_ can stuff it," she retorted, whirling around to face him. She was angry and embarrassed and very close to breaking something. Especially if Root started putting two and two together.

"Holly," Root said, "I don't know what's going on, and I don't know if I want to, but I'm giving you authorization to use Foaly and Fowl in your mission. Not formal, you realize, but they're your best bet for taking down both Ohmson and Koboi. Understand?"

Holly peered at her commander, anger lost in curiosity. "Is it just me, or is he being really soft-spoken?"

"Calfy's medicine does that to people," Foaly said with a shrug. "I think he helped develop Prozac, but there's no proof whatsoever."

"Calfy?" Artemis asked. Fowl, she reminded herself instantly. His name was Fowl. Not Artemis. And definitely not Arty. Oh _Frond_. She'd called him Arty.

Lost in her thoughts, Holly didn't realize Root was saying her name until Artemis put his hands on her shoulders and shook her. She'd been staring at him. Blushing again, she pulled away and snapped, "Don't _touch_ me."

"All right," he said, straightening and nodding at the screen.

"Captain Short," Root said, "there's an estimated two days before Ohmson and/or Koboi pulls another stunt. I hope between the two of you something can be done—"

"Besides arguing," Foaly interrupted helpfully. "Or any other—"

Artemis reached over, said, "Goodbye," and cut the connection.

Holly watched him as he straightened again and returned her gaze. He was suddenly so much taller than she was. It wasn't fair. And his face was all impassive again.

She shook her head to clear it. "All impassive again"? Ugh, Valley Girl talk. She needed to get a grip. "So what's your plan?"

"Since everyone still thinks you're talking to your commander and I'm taking a walk to escape Katie, I thought we might—"

"Talk about what happened? Or didn't happen?"

His poker face was perfect, damn it _all_. "Something happened, Commander Short. If you wish to subject yourself to a field wipe and forget, I promise I will never bring it up again, and we can ensure the others will not either."

The mind wipe idea was tempting, but the idea of him having memories of her that were so…_personal_, even if she hadn't really been in her right mind, made her uneasy. "No thanks. But I really don't see what there is to talk about."

He raised an eyebrow and waited. And it really wasn't fair. They _did_ need to talk. If only she hadn't been so _stupid_…

"You heard what Foaly said?" she said finally.

"About the potion's interactions with your brain?"

She nodded. "So you know…"

"You weren't in anything resembling your right mind when you and I kissed."

"We made out." She suppressed a grin; he had barely squirmed.

"Whatever the technical term may be—please, no comments—the fact is that generally such actions are thought to be expressions of certain feelings on the part of one or more of the parties—"

"I'm aware of what goes on when people kiss under normal circumstances," she interrupted, not wanting him to start making a long speech. "Sexually, all I can say is you have potential. Emotionally…"

"…you had little knowledge of your actions, and anything you professed I can expect you to retract?"

She could remember their conversation well enough to say, "Look, Fowl, you've turned into a decent enough kid, but we're not dating or anything, I'm not in love with you, and I certainly don't want to hear you say you're in love with me."

"I'm not."

"Good." This released tensions she hadn't realized she'd held. As long as he could get over their little fling, she wouldn't have to feel too stupid about the whole affair.

"I will admit," he continued, tilting his head as he looked down at her, arms crossed, "that I would like to consider you a friend, as I do have a platonic care for your welfare."

She considered this. "So, we'll give in and call it friends, in a strictly professional sense?"

He nodded; they shook hands. As she released him and he started messing with the laptop, she couldn't resist saying, "I'm too old for you, anyway. Katie O'Bobble, on the other hand…"

Artemis raised an eyebrow. He was slightly disappointed by the way things turned out, but logically it was the best he could have hoped for. Besides, they worked well together. His hormones and more passionate emotions were distracting, anyway. Briefly he wondered if he could have absorbed some of the effects of the potion while—no time to think about that now. He'd been baited, and he had to respond.

"I thought we were going be professional," he said, closing the laptop and securing it under his arm.

"We are. I was just going to comment that she's pretty."

"An interest in my love life does not sound very professional, Commander," he stated, starting for the door.

She hopped off the couch and followed him. "Call it an interest in your well-being, which is vital to the success of any professional undertaking. She's cute, that's all, and I think she'd be okay."

"Until I'm old enough for you?"

She pinched her lips together, acknowledging the victory. "That's not what I meant."

"You sound vaguely like the ex-girlfriend giving her blessing," he commented neutrally.

"I thought we settled that. I was never your girlfriend."

He stopped at the door and looked back at her. Even though he now had to look far down at her, she was still very cute. He could remember she was dangerously cute, though, and he needed to focus. He couldn't afford to worry about the true level of veracity to his earlier words now, though, as he had a great deal of planning to do.

Again, however, he couldn't resist the parting shot. "You're the one who's acting like you were," he said, shrugging and going to find the others.

Holly waited until he was gone to bang her head against the wall. Then, confident she had rid herself of the last microliters of the Mud Girl potion, she hurried to catch up to the boy genius.

A/N II: Please review? puppy eyes Especially if you spot any inconsistencies. I wrote half of this over a year ago. And please tell me how I'm doing on my characterizations. And if anyone knows when the _real_ _Opal Deception_ hits the shelves, please tell me, because I haven't found anything, and if it hasn't come out I want to set the goal of finishing this before it does. So it can only benefit you! J


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